Nine Days until my 2nd MVD Surgery

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I have begun the official countdown until I go under the knife to attempt to have the V! trigeminal nerve freed of the tangled artery. I'm growing a bit more nervous since the risks, especially at my age [26] for a second MVD are rather increased. The neurosurgeon seems a bit on edge himself, but apparently he is one of the top neurosurgeons in the country - So I know I am in good hands. At first I was skeptical and frankly angry at God. My prayers have been answered by further complications and pain and though I am married, I have felt a little alone in all of this. Yes, he supports me and comforts me when I am upset - But how do you really describe the tormenting hell you go through on a daily basis? How can you expect them to understand that life itself, even simple things, bring a pain like no other? I can't expect any of that from my family so I force myself into a smile and push through the day until the silence of the night allows me to break internally. I feel guilty as if I am burdening them all, then that turns into an anger as if I am personally holding this curse against them. What do they know? How could they know? It's utter madness to expect them to.

Yet, here I am sitting at a computer typing out me feelings and withdrawing from those I love. I am fighting daily not only with the pain but with my faith and patience with my husband to understand. He is not the type to really show great amount of emotion and he comforts me as if I were a soldier at some times. I don't hold it against him, but sometimes I don't need a quick hug and 'It's okay'. Sometimes I need the sympathy, I need to be held in silence and just be in the presence of the one that I care about. I get angry and it's not even his fault.

I need to pray more. I need to seek God in all of this mess and find the comfort I wished my husband provided in the darkest nights. It's trying, but I am humbling myself before God. I would be lying if anger was not a part of it. I would be lying if I said I wasn't skeptical. I am all of those things, but still I will come before the Lord and offer my problems. I need to have faith and I need to internally forgive my husband for sins he hasn't even committed.

So, in nine days I will be having a surgery I desperately need. In nine days I will undergo at least 10hrs of intense surgery. In nine days, my risk of coming out of this surgery 'normal' is in danger. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm nervous. I'm lost and feeling desperately alone. I'm tired of being strong and just want to be saved. I need my God and I need a hero. I need the support of this site and all that it provides. And in advance, I thank you all.

P.S.

The top item on my bucket list is to literally meet Jeremy Bulloch, the man who played Boba Fett. Hopefully one day, I will be able to meet him because the epic character he played is by far my favorite and I am in the process of drawing Boba Fett brandishing the TN Awareness Ribbon. Might be a new tattoo for myself, who knows!

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((( BobaFett ))),

I understand completely all the feelings you so honestly shared. I’ve been there, I see a lot of similarities between you and I, in terms of our expectations and our dissapointments. I would like to suggest that you sit down with your husband and tell him exactly what YOU need, it’s ok to tell him you just want to be held, ask him if he could. …I bet he just doesn’t know what to do or how to do it. It’s hard for our loved ones to feel so helpless when we’re in pain…they have no idea how hard it is for us either.
You don’t have to be strong, and smile. You do need to focus on you for a change,
( I’m guessing you usually focus on everyone else’s needs first)

you are going to need as much support as possible in the days ahead.
Have hope, trust that all will be well, believe it!
All your emotions are very real and I can tell you I’ve struggled with anger, guilt, sadness and loneliness in my pain myself . A lot of what you wrote I resonated with…you’re NOT alone.
I truly believe if you start the conversation with your husband, you’ll find that you can get through this difficult time together. Don’t be alone in your pain… ((( hugs )))
In the days ahead spend extra time doing things that relax you, my nerves were on high alert, I was so nervous the two weeks before my mvd. Everyday tell yourself, “everything is going to be ok”.

Off topic, my husband is a HUGE Star Wars fan and collector…he has a room in our basement dedicated to his love for Star Wars!

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way…Mimi xx

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I agree with Mimi. Speak to your husband and tell him how you feel. They don't understand and are probably at a loss as to know how to help you. I know mine is!! He gets angry everytime I get an attack while I remain calm!!

I'm sure your surgery will go well. I will send you healing thoughts (I'm a Reiki practitioner). Be positive.

Good luck and take care.

Clare

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Good luck to you! Praying it goes well!

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I completely understand your feeling alone. When people look at us there is nothing about out outward appearance that looks “wrong” or “sick” so it’s hard for people to understand even on the most basic level what we are going through. Talk to your husband and your family and let them know how you’re feeling and what you need. They can’t help you if they don’t know that you need or want help. Good luck!!