I can't handle the guilt of having my bf live through this hell

So, after 3 days of multiple agonizing attacks I finally got in to see my doctor where she discovered a lump behind my left ear.. She determined it was an infected cyst on my lymph node and prescribed an antibiotic but said it might be the culprit for the recent unrelenting attacks and pain. She increased my oxycodone as I was not getting much relief before the onset of hell that has been my last week and had been taking extra desperate for relief since the steady agony that has been the last 7 days however, the pharmacy would not fill it until the refill date from the previous prescription even though with the increase it showed and the doctor even contacting the pharmacy to explain that with the dose and amount I was prescribed now, I was eligible for a refill, they still would not fill it. Frustrated, sick with pain and exhaustion, and just plain over emotional I went home and spent the rest of my days (until this evening) screaming and bawling and begging for some sort of help that a heating pad, rice socks, and copius amounts of extra strength Tylenol could not provide. I woke up from my nap surprisingly not in the wincing attacks I have been experiencing all week but just to the nagging constant pain I am generally use to and have grown to tolerate. The antibiotic must be working as I feel the lump has shrunk almost to normal and the attacks have seemed to slow.

I am so thankful for my boyfriend who has been here from the beginning to have been here through all of this and especially this week, waiting on me hand and foot, force feeding me my prescriptions to try to get me better, multiple attempts at different foods until he found one I would eat enough of to keep my strength up, holding me and trying to console me best he could as I rocked and screamed in agony for all hours of the days and nights for all these days in a row resting only when I did and sometimes not even then because he had other things he had to do. Being the brunt of my misdirected anger and irritation and brushing it off like it was nothing because he knows it's out of frustration and accepting my apology immediately as if nothing had ever happened at all.

I have begged him to just leave and move on with his life. Begged him to not necessarily forget about me but to not let the stress or trauma of having to watch someone in so much pain and have him feel so helpless and beat himself up there isn't more relief he can bring me damage him in future life.I have tried to convince him I am just no longer interested just so he'll leave and not have to go through this anymore as he is mentally and emotionally drained. The guilt is absolutely destroying me to think that myself and my medical condition is a traumatizing detriment to his well being. I'm not sure how to deal with this.

I sent you a private message… Also
These are for both of you:




Didn’t know if you could get a medical card …many here in the right states do!


What you've been going through sounds beyond horrific. During the first year of dealing with TN I tried to push my husband away for the same reasons that you stated. I felt guilty for how much life had changed, and guilt for the stress it was causing him. His response was always that he loved me, end of discussion. Your boyfriend is clearly devoted to you and yes, it's horrible to stand by and watch your partner suffering so much. You might be hurting him more though by pushing him away. Try to let your guilt go ... it's because you are a loving and caring person that you feel guilt in the first place. No one signs up for this. Don't let TN win.

I hope you find peace and lasting relief from the pain you've been in.