I dont remember the last day I had completely pain free... its almost 3 am and between stress in my life and pain, there is no way I am able to sleep.... Last week I was dumped by EMAIL. My fiance was too gutless to tell me to my face. He was too gutless to hold my hand when I went through these attacks and instead argued with me saying he cant handle it and would leave the house slamming the door or worse try and force me to go to hospital to get doped up on morphine. He never understood the severity of the pain and how easily it multiplies by additional stressers like listening to a loved one yell at you. My 14 yo son is maturer, he runs over covers the shades (I get photosensitive with my attacks) and turns on my meditation music straight away. He holds me and gently rubs my back and quietly sits with me till the worst is over... How is it that a 14yo male is maturer than a 38yo?
I am sick to death of being called an opiates junkie. My local pharmacist stares at me like I am a junkie to the point that I drive further from my home to collect meds because I hate being stereotyped. If I wanted to be a junkie I could think of at least 4 different street drugs that would make me feel better, if I really wanted to. It frustrates me just going to pharmacy and being grilled for 10 minutes just to buy over the counter neurofen plus.
I hate that noone seems to know about TN and when I do go to the doctors, I have to always see the same one as other doctors in my local practise have tried to talk me out of my condition and tell me its psychosymatic!!! Its funny how junkies get access to meds but people in REAL pain and have serious conditions that arent visible get knocked back. Twice I have been taken to Mercy Hospital (Werribee, Victoria) and have been given panadol and told to get the F out. People are so cruel.
To put salt on my wounds tonight, I received an email from the ex calling me every word under the sun and accussing me of being useless attention seeking partner... OMG if I needed attention, pain is not something I would fake to get attention... I have better ways of getting someones attention... But the harshest was being dumped by email... When I read that my normal heat throb went into electric lightening bolts... and since then I am averaging 2-3 attacks a day. I have tried to take a step back and reboot my brain and start some soul searching but even after getting the book "The Secret", I cant even concentrate long enough to read a few pages thanks to the Gabapanten dose I have been put on. My life feels like one hazy grey nightmare. I feel like Cymbalta isnt working anymore... I spose when you have been on it daily for over a year, the body gets used to it.
I cant sleep at nights, I am tired during the day from the meds... and I am starting to get bad reflux and stomach aches... stomach ulcer? I just enrolled myself back to university to make more positive steps in my life but I am wondering how will I concentrate on a lecture if I cant go awake during the day for longer than 3 hours.
Why are doctors so dubious about our condition? Sometimes I feel like I should have it tattooed on me so they dont doubt me. When recently on holidays in Queensland, I ran out of endone and went to the local clinic. There they were so worried about they're own butts they made me wait 3 hours in pain whilst they tried to contact my doctor even though I had a letter stating the condition and what medications I am on.
I feel like medical society has failed me. i thought that doctors take a hipocratic oath when becoming certified. I see with my own eyes that they dont keep that oath. I am sick to death of explaining myself over and over and over to idiot doctors that have no idea what TN is.
Thanks my beef for the day... now that's of my chest I mite try and finally get some sleep :(
Bella x