I've added my facebook posts to keep a record of what's been going on the past month. I've been noticing so many wierd new things going on in my head since the 6 months I was in hell.
My sleep pattern so much worse, the speech and thought pattern issues, the verbal tic, and the food cravings. Yesterday I was so hungry and had prepared everything to make egg foo young. Then all I wanted was my left over masala sauce... and an onion. Before I hardly even liked onions!!! I was in a state of shock as I cut up a whole onion, fried it and put the masala sauce over it. It was soooooo good. Still freaks me out just a bit, makes me wonder if I'd be able to tolerate garlic, but that's an actual physical thing, not mental. Not gonna try that just yet. Also craving sugar, wtf??? Totally new, never even craved it before my bypass, and now that I don't tolerate it makes it even worse.
THAT is the hardest part of this "new me" is guess, my cravings/impulses are uncontrolable. Feel like nothing ever before. I've always been in control, that's why I never did any drugs (LOL) or drank much my whole life; never wanted that feeling even chemically induced. Now it seems I'm afraid of what I'll do or say. I started school orientation, and I was participating in discussions but had to stop since I was going to really post rude... And that's not a thought I would ever HAVE before.
Not sleeping, getting left brain migraines totally new. Remind me of the right side, but with the meds if the problem is being handled somewhat shouldn't it be working on both sides??? FML.
This week we are having record heat, and after all the nice weather out of character for July and August it was inevitable we had some hell time before it gets nice for good. Just killing my fibro, head, everything.
Aug 27:
Magic hour, looks like no sleep again tonight. 3 out of 4 nights without sleep. Not a record, but not the best way to kick off college orientation... can't even see straight. The heat wave and record heat we are hit with is making my TN act up so bad it's taking me back to the days before July 8th when I was out of my head in agony, and it just terrifies me to think of even getting close to feeling that way since there is no way to battle it if it decides to kick in full swing. Even sleeping pills aren't working. More crappy tv...
Aug 25:
Finally starting to get some form of life back since the 6 months of raging pain and agony dropping out of life. It's taken about 6 weeks to get some semblance of any routine and life back.
At this point I have to stay on heavy muscle relaxers to keep my facial nerves from going into a seizure, and taking another drug that is supposed to help minimize the onset of the seizures.
Weird new things that have changed though. I only get REM sleep from 3-11 am. Even had a sleep study and they are stumped.
Uncontrollable food cravings that I have to have and I get in the house, but then I can't eat them. Either jaw pain, energy, whatever, so much food is wasted I feel so guilty.
Weirdest of all; if I am watching a TV show or movie and have a thought about something on the screen, which of course is normal, I have no control over saying it out loud. I can't function until I say it out loud, it's severe like my muscle tics. It feels like no control over my brain/mouth. It's happened in public too... When the check out girl was about to tip over the sushi, I had no control over telling her not to. Normally I wouldn't even pay attention; but I saw it, thought it, and had to say it before I could move.
There are others, but those are the big ones. Nicest one is fewer migraines!
Aug 16:
After a rough week laughter is the best medicine. John Oliver has been doing an amazing job on The Daily Show, and tonight was great... Impractical Jokers is always fun, reminds me of my sister.
If anyone has been watching The Daily show lately, no matter how bad I feel I can't help doing a little couch dance to the theme for Anthony Weiner's code name... Carlos Danger. Makes me giggle every time he does it. The whole situation just gets more ridiculous every day.
Haven't slept since Monday night, so weird; must be stress, so maybe laughing will help.
Aug 13:
Ever have one of those days when the universe goes nuclear on you? Things seem normal, you are going along like normal, following what you are scheduled to do, and BAM. You know life can never be the same.
Okay, I understand the universe has other ideas and a new path in mind, which I did think about, but come on...
I do appreciate all the texts and phone calls that came out of the blue for no reason except people feeling a need to reach out, but really. Did it have to be nuclear?
After everything just gone through and just catching my breath couldn't we have started with a stink bomb and worked our way up?
Aug 8:
I became a catty bitch at Festival a bit ago. Can't drive when I take my pain meds, so my shopping window is very short. I'm disastrous at picking the checkout line. Only three, I switched. Stupid move. All were full but figured I'd get behind the guy, cause, it's a guy and they simplify. I found the exception.
And Judi the new girl on her first day alone.
No shit... He checked out and paid part with cash; tried with one card with the balance; wouldn't work. Changed cards then decided to go with cash. Poor Judi had to figure it all out, then when it all seemed close to the end he pulled out 7 other items from his cart to buy on the wonky card and they finally got it to work.
I was screaming inside. Meanwhile a woman (using the term loosely) with a jelly body, barely there threadbare worn t shirt and shorts that made it all worse... I almost felt tourettes coming on the comments in my head were so bad, and anyone who knows me well knows that's not my style of thinking.
I had let a mom and toddler with 4 items ahead of me, and when Judi started to tip the sushi box upside down to check the price I snapped. I just barked out "don't tip over the sushi!" To her... Kind of out of body. The woman buying it smiled at me like 'thanks', and Judi was just in a daze.
I'm tired.