A newspaper article, a disease, a bridge. ( Today's FB note.)

A newspaper story, a disease, a bridge.

by Sarah Hobbs on Friday, February 1, 2013 at 11:06pm ·

* This is by far the hardest FB note I have ever written. I pray that by my being honest, I can encourage someone to hold on. *

A article appeared recently in the Oregonian Newspaper. It was a pictorial on the Vista Bridge and how with the large number of suicides happening at this bridge it is time to fence off the stairs that go from the ground to the top of the bridge.

This takes me back 7 years. I was going through my first TN relapse and I did not leave my house at all for 3 months except to run to the grocery store when my kitchen cupboards were bare. One cold, but sunny November day I ventured out and went downtown. I was walking past the Bike Gallery bike shop when I got hit with a TN attack so bad, I could not move. I looked up and saw in the distance the Vista Bridge. I started to think my life was no longer worth living and going to the bridge and ending my life would be the best thing to do. Just as quickly as I thought that the faces of my two boys flashed before my eyes. I knew I did not want their last thought of their mother to be that she jumped from a bridge. It was then I knew I was going to end up fighting the hardest battle of my life. I was not sure at the time how I was going to do it, but I knew I was going to have to fight the beast know as TN. I knew it was going to be hard to find the treatments that worked best for me, but I had to keep fighting to find them. Never did I know how hard the fight would be, but my biggest motivation at this time was my boys. I needed to keep fighting for them.

Now have gone through those 7 years, I am going through another relapse. This after two brain surgeries. My motivation now is my granddaughter that recently turned a year old. Often I will be on the city train going west and it will go directly under the Vista Bridge. I will look up and start to thinking about all that was happening 7 yrs ago. As I think back and to where I am now, I realize jumping from the bridge would have been a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I have two amazing kids, an amazing granddaughter. I am also blessed to have a loving and very caring boyfriend. With everyone’s support and the great medical team I have now, I will make it.

Yes you will make it! ♥

It is about remembering if I have to hold on by the skin of my upper front teeth than to do so. That I am not alone and things will pass. As my mom always tells me, " Sarah Ann remember it always the darkest before the dawn."

I love this, sometimes it does feel easier to give in but how much heartbreak would it cause those we love and how much would we miss out on through that one moment of giving in? I for one have good and bad days but I choose to look forward to the good no matter how distant they may be, I only hope if anyone every reaches that bridge that I can help to bring them away from the edge. Thank you for sharing xxx

This by far is the hardest TN related story I tell. Mind you I had a MVD that had complications and I can still talk about that freely. Talk about thinking about jumping off the Vista Bridge and I still get really emotional. Thing is as I share this story, I find I am not alone. The first time I ever told it, I had 3 people message me telling me they were in the same spot I had found myself in and that they were grateful to know they were not alone in the feelings. Remember you are not alone! Hugs <3

I recently read an unrelated article in a magazine about three daughters who were facing a strong genetic link to Alzheimers and watched their father and other relatives, suffer and their mother whither away from the care it took and the life it sucked from her. The daughters made a pact that whenever one of them saw the other going way over the edge of dementia, they would help each other kill themself. One of them did research on what would work for sure and would be painless. I'm not at that point now with TN, but I know I'll never forget that formula.

Being one that is normally so tough and has a high tolerance to pain, it shocked a lot of people when I told them about my thinking about jumping off the bridge. It really hit home to them how bad the pain can be!