Dealing with the pain and heartache

General General TN & GPN (Old Site)
1

Hi everyone. My name is Jessica and I just been diagnosed with TN. My fiance told me about this great place where others suffer from the same condition. I have been dealing with pain my entire life, so i'm not one to cry and scream unless it's really unbearable. I never thought I would be in a situation where I had to say " i don't know how to take this"

If it was just the pain, I would manage it, even though its absolutely out of this world, but besides having TN I am really sick. I have a heart condition and brain condition where I live day by day not knowing if i'm going to be ok or not. My fear is that i'm walking in my dad's footsteps, he passed away when he was 36 and I was only 11. I think about the pain my loved ones would feel if I wasen't here and it's killing me in a way the pain can never even touch. I don't know how to seperate the pain from my death anxiety, it's becoming a dark blur where I can't see straight. I also have fibromyalgi, borderline diabetes, a thyroid disease, and polycystic ovary syndrome. I can't even keep them apart anymore, but I feel like the hospital is becoming my second home. I just tested really high on the heart failure test and I have done probably 15 different scans and x-rays and mri's the last two months.I don't have any relief from the pain and anxiety, i'm trying to balance being so sick with how emotionally bad I have become, and I don't know how to do it anymore.

It's hard to put my life story in here, but ever since I was little I lived and took care of two very chronically ill parents. My dad was sick mentally as well and abusive before he passed away. I dropped out of school at 12, and kept taking care of my mom and brother, while sinking deep into a depression. When I was 12 was also the first time I was taken to a mental hospital and I was locked up and sent from one place to another until I became an adult. My mom got worse, she has elelipsy, a brain tumor, failing kidneys, and addison's disease. There's been so many times I didn't think she was gonna make it, she's been in and out of surgery, in coma's I never thought she would recover from, and broken everything from her ribs to her nose during her seizures. I met my fiance when I was 19 years old, and he has been by my side since then. We are in a long distance relationship, with me in sweden and him in america. I struggle so much with this cause it's so hard for me to leave my mom, but so hard to be away from him too. When my mom had three emergency surgeries this summer and was in a coma, my brother tried to kill himself infront of me. This was during the peak of my pain with TN, and if I didn't have a chance to see my fiance that summer I don't know how I would have handled this alone. I live every second fearing not only that i'm gonna die, but that the people I love the most will as well. I can't handle another loss or heartbreak in my life, I thought I could handle anything and everything but that's mostly cause I haven't dealt with any of the pain I feel now, or from my past. I been severly abused and mistreated, from so many people, and the worst thing about this pain in my head and face is that it reminds me of that. It gives me the same panic, helplessness, and despair, like i'm a lost little girl again. I don't know how to deal with this....but I know that I will find a way. I just don't know how right now.

My hope with coming here is to get some support from people that might have found a way to deal with this better than I have. To find some strength I so desperatly need. thank you so much for reading. Sincerely, Jessica

2

Jessica, your story is so touching and im sorry that you have had all of these hurdles to jump though…and i want you to know that you are not alone when it comes to TN…if u ever need to talk im just an email away dear…i hope that things get better and u will be in my thoughts…hope your pain is at ease janice

3

thank you so much Janice, I appreciate that so much and I hope the same for you*hug*

janice said:

Jessica, your story is so touching and im sorry that you have had all of these hurdles to jump though...and i want you to know that you are not alone when it comes to TN...if u ever need to talk im just an email away dear...i hope that things get better and u will be in my thoughts...hope your pain is at ease janice
4

Hi Jessica,
I am so sorry you have been though so much. My advice is is there are or will be times when you need to just take life minute by minute. It is scary at times with illness, but the important part is your getting help. If you have questions please ask as many members can give their experience and thoughts, and also be sure to look at the face page info page, lots of good info there. Take care and hope you have a pain free day.

5

I know it’s hard to live in featr but please understand it will only make your world and you’re pain worse. None of us knows what the future holds. But there is no way you can help others unless you take care of yourself first. You’re in prayers. Live each day. I use nature as a respite. I take pictures of nature shots and it truly gives me comfort and something positive to do and helps relieve the fear and anxiety. Find something you love and are passionate about and do it. Don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself. You are never alone in you’re suffering. Prayers of relief and peace for you.

6

Hello Jessica, I’m happy that you shared your story with us. I want you to know that you are not alone. What you have experienced in life will make you stronger. But sometimes you just have to let it out & have a good cry! Try to pick your self up after this though as it is easy to slip into a depression. You are young & you are having to deal with so much! But you know what! Life will get better! I am alot older than you & I have alot of life experience. Which makes me very wise. So Jessica, please listen to me. When I was young, I went through much of the same as you. I was abused. My Mother left home. I lived on a farm with my Dad & nine brothers! I left school & tried to take care of my dad & my younger brothers, but i was just a girl. I also watched my mother try to take her life twice & my dad once! I was also assulted as an adult which resulted in severe burns to my face. Thats when i truly new the darkest place in my mind. I did not want to live! Then when I grew up had my children, their father tried to commit suicide in front of me & my little girls. He just went crazy & locked all the doors & broke the phones in half, locked the cars & took the keys & turned off the electricity! Then with us cowering in a corner, he said ‘bye, bye girls, Daddy’s going to heaven!’ 4 years after that, I was drugged & rapped & left for dead at the bottom of a stair well. That is just a little bit about my life! The reason I am telling you this, is to give you hope & strength! To let you know that you are not alone! I am just a normal person, who has had an extraordinary life. To look at me, you would never know the pain & heart ache I have been through. I don’t talk about it. I just try to do what is good in life. You will cope & you will get through, because we are here for you! You will have happiness come in to your life! Don’t look for it. It will find you. Your a sweetheart. I will share with you the best dream I ever had. It was of me as an adult, giving myself a loving hug as a little girl. I think about it every day & it soothes my soul. I feel as though it makes up for all the love I missed out on growing up. No one ever told me they loved me & I never ever got hugged or cuddled. I used to cry myself to sleep. So now I am sending you my hug! I hope it makes you feel better, for its going to that little girl in you. Sally

7

Jess, you are not alone here, you have 3000+ members hoping for good for you. I will not deny that you have and had many life challenges. But I see it differently to you. What I see is that you must be pretty fantastic and loveable to come through all of this. You are made of sterner stuff than you can imagine, life is for living and enjoying where possible, don't forget that your death anxiety is a thief of your peace of mind. You could live to be a 100 for all we know so please try very hard to put the negativity out of your mind. Don't let it rob you of one more minute of possible happiness. It will never thank you, just diminish you. I wish you love and happiness, {{HUGS}}

8

You poor thing. God bless you! I hope you can get help you need for all of your ailments. Maybe some counseling would help with mental aspect of it all. (((((BIG HUGS))))) to you!

9

Thank you so much Kari, it's lovely to have people I never even met wish me a pain free day and encourage me, thank you times a million.

Kari said:

Hi Jessica,
I am so sorry you have been though so much. My advice is is there are or will be times when you need to just take life minute by minute. It is scary at times with illness, but the important part is your getting help. If you have questions please ask as many members can give their experience and thoughts, and also be sure to look at the face page info page, lots of good info there. Take care and hope you have a pain free day.
10

Hi Wendy, thank you so much for your help. I am working hard on the taking care of myself part, my fiance tells me daily the same thing and I know you both are right. I take pictures too, I have been too sick to be out at alll lately but I try to force myself to take my camera and go for a walk and shoot everything beautiful I see. I always come home with the camera card full:) That say's a lot about all the beauty thats out there...

Wendy said:

I know it's hard to live in featr but please understand it will only make your world and you're pain worse. None of us knows what the future holds. But there is no way you can help others unless you take care of yourself first. You're in prayers. Live each day. I use nature as a respite. I take pictures of nature shots and it truly gives me comfort and something positive to do and helps relieve the fear and anxiety. Find something you love and are passionate about and do it. Don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself. You are never alone in you're suffering. Prayers of relief and peace for you.
11

Sally, thank you so so much for your heartfelt message, it means the world to me. I cried when I read your story, what a brave woman you are to go through what you have and now sit here and comfort a complete stranger by sharing your wisedom, sympathy and strength. We have some eerily similar past experiences, it chilled me to the bone reading what you went through cause it reminded me so much of my own life. My dad tried repeatadly to kill himself, I remember him cutting of all the electricity and locking my mom in a room with him and shutting me and my brother outside and making her watch. The hardest part for me was the abuse my mom had to endure, that I was too little to protect her. My mom ran one night with us to the neighbors for protection and he came after with a knife and cut the neighbor. I ran out from behind the couch and screamed and cried for my dad to stop, asking him why is he doing this. and he just looked at me like a wounded animal. Thats the face that haunts me to this day, cause its the last face I ever saw him make. I told him i hated him before he died, and I never did before, never. And for the longest time I thought God killed my dad cause I said that, that he was punishing me for being bad.

I do believe you. I believe that with faith and love and a good strong heart you can get through anything. That's why I feel so much despair at times, I feel like life is not giving me my chance to fight it if it takes my life from an illness, I want to battle everything but sometimes it feel like such an unfair fight....I won't give up, you are a shining exemple of why I won't and can't. I look up to people that went through life the way you have and maintained their grace and belief in the world around them. And I love your dream so much, especially cause I once not too many years ago painted a picture very similar to that. I knew I couldn't go back in time and make it happen so I found a different way to make it happen, just like you did with your dream. It also reminds me of something my fiance tells me alot, that he wish he could go back in time and hug me during the time he wasen't there. And that's why I think I had to go through this alone...in order to find someone one day that wanted to be there when he couldn't. Someone that wants to make up for a time he didn't even knew I existed and make the past wound into a scar. And then along the way you meet people such as yourself, that shares their scars with you and you think to yourself how much more beautiful it makes them. And then you are forced to realize, maybe then it makes me more beautiful as well?

Thank you Sally, so much for sharing your story and offering so much comfort and hope. I admire you, in so many ways.

All the love, Jess

Sally said:

Hello Jessica, I'm happy that you shared your story with us. I want you to know that you are not alone. What you have experienced in life will make you stronger. But sometimes you just have to let it out & have a good cry! Try to pick your self up after this though as it is easy to slip into a depression. You are young & you are having to deal with so much! But you know what! Life will get better! I am alot older than you & I have alot of life experience. Which makes me very wise. So Jessica, please listen to me. When I was young, I went through much of the same as you. I was abused. My Mother left home. I lived on a farm with my Dad & nine brothers! I left school & tried to take care of my dad & my younger brothers, but i was just a girl. I also watched my mother try to take her life twice & my dad once! I was also assulted as an adult which resulted in severe burns to my face. Thats when i truly new the darkest place in my mind. I did not want to live! Then when I grew up had my children, their father tried to commit suicide in front of me & my little girls. He just went crazy & locked all the doors & broke the phones in half, locked the cars & took the keys & turned off the electricity! Then with us cowering in a corner, he said 'bye, bye girls, Daddy's going to heaven!' 4 years after that, I was drugged & rapped & left for dead at the bottom of a stair well. That is just a little bit about my life! The reason I am telling you this, is to give you hope & strength! To let you know that you are not alone! I am just a normal person, who has had an extraordinary life. To look at me, you would never know the pain & heart ache I have been through. I don't talk about it. I just try to do what is good in life. You will cope & you will get through, because we are here for you! You will have happiness come in to your life! Don't look for it. It will find you. Your a sweetheart. I will share with you the best dream I ever had. It was of me as an adult, giving myself a loving hug as a little girl. I think about it every day & it soothes my soul. I feel as though it makes up for all the love I missed out on growing up. No one ever told me they loved me & I never ever got hugged or cuddled. I used to cry myself to sleep. So now I am sending you my hug! I hope it makes you feel better, for its going to that little girl in you. Sally
12

Hi Jackie, thank you so much for your message. It has been such a great help to see that im not alone. I don't wish this illness on anybody as i'm sure none of you do, but it's still a great relief to see that others have the strength to face this demon without caving in. And you are right, we never know what tomorrow might bring, and it's in many ways a gift to live day to day, I think everyone should, healthy people as well. I'm working very hard on being stronger within myself and dare to let some of my fears go. Being here has really helped already, and im so glad my fiance showed me this site. He has been feeling so helpless and he wants so much to just magically cure me. I have to be brave, not just for myself but him and my family as well. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Jackie said:

Jess, you are not alone here, you have 3000+ members hoping for good for you. I will not deny that you have and had many life challenges. But I see it differently to you. What I see is that you must be pretty fantastic and loveable to come through all of this. You are made of sterner stuff than you can imagine, life is for living and enjoying where possible, don't forget that your death anxiety is a thief of your peace of mind. You could live to be a 100 for all we know so please try very hard to put the negativity out of your mind. Don't let it rob you of one more minute of possible happiness. It will never thank you, just diminish you. I wish you love and happiness, {{HUGS}}

13

Hi Donna, thank you so much. And you are right, conseling does help, I have a wonderful therapist that I talk to about my fears and anxiety and Im hoping to keep making progress and grow in strength:) Thank you so much for your well wishes.

Donna Cook Turnage said:

You poor thing. God bless you! I hope you can get help you need for all of your ailments. Maybe some counseling would help with mental aspect of it all. (((((BIG HUGS))))) to you!

14

Never give up.. never give in. Don't let TN win. I know it's hard. That's why we stay strong together. I surely have my days.

But I come on here and renew my strength against the beast!!!! Stay strong Jess.

Peace, Min