We are allowed to grieve our TN!!! There is no time limit - there is no order - there are no rules set in stone about it!
Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me." Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage.
Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?" Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue.
Bargaining — The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow change the circumstance. Usually, the negotiation for an end to emotional or physical pain is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle.
Depression — "I'm so sad/tired/done/in pain/ in grief / feeling alone etc, why bother with anything?" It is not recommended to insist to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. However , chronic clinical depression should be taken care of with a therapist or doctor!
Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't make it be gone forever, I may as well accept it." In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with what they are dealt.
The most important thing about these stages is they are NOT linear ! You can get stuck in one, you can go through them more than once, they don't go in order
There are newer models of stages of grief -- this one was written initially for the person who is dying -- so I switched some of the wording around --- I like this model because it is more simple - but as a professional and a person with TN - I think it is important to be aware of these stages and for our closest loved ones to be aware of them because they will feel them too!
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness. She later expanded this theoretical model to apply to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). Such losses may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, major rejection, end of a relationship or divorce, drug addiction, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.
Sometimes we have to remind others that TN /procedures/meds --- come with losses,
loss of job, freedom, self-esteem, memory, relationships, sanity!!!! etc
grief and loss are tied together for us, but the goal for me is to remind myself of what I do have, and that it makes me feel better about myself, if I can help others.
I especially like the comment about no rules, no order. I hear so much from members who just cannot move from one level to another that may, and I say may be more comfortable. A recent discussion about anger was very well subscribed to and I was actually taken aback at the anger within the group. I think as I am older than the average member I have seen and had so much and lost loved ones as well. I taught myself a long time ago that anger is a waste of my energy and try to move on as quick as I can by diversion, this can be very difficult to convey without appearing arrogant and cocky. Also it can be damaging for some. I wish everyone the best with this and really admire the fortitude of so many with so much to bear.
This is good for me to read - thank you for putting it up. Currently I am very depressed at being passed around from one referral to another. The pain is enough to go through without some doctor (s) that don't want to address my situation.
I also thank you for this...I have a medical background and STILL need to 'hear' this from time to time! ...it is so easy to sometimes confuse depression for self pity...at least for me. - then I get angry because I think I am just having that 'pity party' and shouldn't...again, not recognizing it is depression; so here we go in the circle... this pain is so bad at times - no need to preach to the choir, though! We need to recognize and remember that these feelings are SO normal and that our families also go through these stages as well. I know right now, I am in terrible pain...just waiting for it to stop for a while! Dear God, help us please...and thank You for when You do!!
I think we see much anger here - because we can't always go stomping around at work, at home, etc! This is a safe place to be angry - however - I have seen many here stuck in anger - it's an easy emotion to feel - it's familiar with many - I too am older (49) LOL and even though it takes a lot to make me angry - this damn disease and the oral surgeon who tipped the scales in favor - into a very different life projectory for myself--still pisses me off 18 months after the fact. Sometimes my pity parties are so bad - I cannot go volunteer at hospice that day ---- which is stupid because it cognitively I know it make me feel better that somebody needed my help. Helllllo - working with the dying and working with those grieving - and I have it ROUGH???? non-sensical - Just like my brain at high doses of Trileptal!
Jackie said:
I especially like the comment about no rules, no order. I hear so much from members who just cannot move from one level to another that may, and I say may be more comfortable. A recent discussion about anger was very well subscribed to and I was actually taken aback at the anger within the group. I think as I am older than the average member I have seen and had so much and lost loved ones as well. I taught myself a long time ago that anger is a waste of my energy and try to move on as quick as I can by diversion, this can be very difficult to convey without appearing arrogant and cocky. Also it can be damaging for some. I wish everyone the best with this and really admire the fortitude of so many with so much to bear.
Kc, I think we are all allowed any emotion we want, this is an horrendous condition and therefore will illicit many emotions as you say. I love the idea that this group is our safe haven for all our feelings and emotions. You are very insightful in saying that all the normal things of life can be denied TN patients and so outlets are diminished.
This IS THE PLACE for all members to relieve themselves of worries and anger in the full knowledge that so many will empathise.
my only denial is not that "i feel fine" i don't feel fine - i feel in hell.
my only denial is that i refuse to quit looking for the cause. a perfectly fine 33 yo don't wake up one day goes to the dentist and his life are ruined with no medical reason. something got damaged there and must be found. even if the doctors don't think it's worth investigating their time in that.
and as for anger. i don't ask "why me" i don't believe in that.
the only anger i have is for the surronding that can't understand "he looks fine - he is fine" and for them taking thier time in all this.
for them it"s "good ! you have an appointment in one month to the doctor. be patient till than" etc.
I used to ask myself "why me". Quite a bit actually. Now I say.."why not me?" TN does not discriminate. It doesn't care who it gets, age, gender, or nationality, makes no difference.... It is the worst.
Well said! I couldn't have said it better, very profound. Thanks Min said:
I used to ask myself "why me". Quite a bit acually. Now I say.."why not me"? TN does not discriminate. It doesn't care who it gets, age, gender, or nationality, makes no difference.... It is the worst.
I'd like to offer an apology for an inappropriate comment I made to you here recently; if you'll accept my "Friend request" so I can do that privately.
Afterwards, you can cancel the friendship, if that's what you'd prefer to do...
Min - i am a very emotional and philoshopical guy. but i also vert realistic.
i NEVER in this disease asked myself "why me" ... or and philisophical questions or religion questions ("What "sins" have i made to deserve this")
NO!
my only path was medical and scientific - i went to the dentist. something happened there. i don't feel "abscure pain" all over my body. i have specific pain in the jaw that MUST find the cause and start going back to normal life.
i know it's not the case in all cases and there are VARAIETY of stories.
but as for the question "why me" it has never occured.
my only denial is not that "i feel fine" i don't feel fine - i feel in hell.
my only denial is that i refuse to quit looking for the cause. a perfectly fine 33 yo don't wake up one day goes to the dentist and his life are ruined with no medical reason. something got damaged there and must be found. even if the doctors don't think it's worth investigating their time in that.
and as for anger. i don't ask "why me" i don't believe in that.
the only anger i have is for the surronding that can't understand "he looks fine - he is fine" and for them taking thier time in all this.
for them it"s "good ! you have an appointment in one month to the doctor. be patient till than" etc.
Nir, have you had your testosterone levels checked. It's a stretch but Fred a cupacoffee had 100 below normal. and now he is taking replacement and getting better. But he presented with different symptoms of headache mostly. But, it may be worth looking into??
My goodness,this is exactly what I need to hear. I have felt so much like I have no right to be angry, and the depression is self induced, thus I am suppose to suck it up, put my big girl panties on and keep going. Well I can't keep going, the panties keep falling down, they aren't mine, and I no longer can suck it up. I feel so much rejection on so many levels it doesn't begin to really reach me. thanks for confirming what I needed to hear. This is on top of finally one person was angry with me about my situation. My sister, she and I have been a bit strained the past couple years. When I was talking to her, she got very angry and said, "The county should have taken care of this. Nothing else should have mattered. Their fan fell and you were hurt, for your life. End of it. I am sorry, so sorry for you." OMGosh! Finally a validation for me. Lord help me keep going ahead, thru the tough spots, and work my way through this horrible disease called TN. Thanks for this post....