Just when I dared to think I might be ok for awhile it kicked in. I hate everything about this and how it makes me look at my life. I feel like a no good mom/wife. I have about given up on the idea that I might ever be well enough to finish my education and start the non-profit I have dreamed about. Heck, I can't even help my self or my own kids why would I ever thing I could help other kids??? Ok vent over going to bed.....thanks.....
Good Venting Shephergirl...The following info may help guide you through the storm and hopefully you'll find the right meds to bring you adequate pain relief Never give up. Wikipedia is the source for the following.
"Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness. She later expanded this theoretical model to apply to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). Such losses may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, major rejection, end of a relationship or divorce, drug addiction, incarceration, change in office environment, the onset of a disease or chronic illness, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.
The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:[2]
-
Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death. Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation. Denial is a defense mechanism and some people can become locked in this stage. -
Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief. -
Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..." People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death. -
Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation. -
Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person's situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief."
.
I agree so much with what Bill and Heather have said to you. TN is a tricky beggar at the best of times. As Heather so rightly says, good moms are the only ones who worry about being good moms. Bad moms often think they are fantastic at the job!!
There is no saying that you will not find some quality of life back. 2 years ago I thought I was done. How will I ever talk, eat, clean my teeth, earn a living, be a wife, mother, grandmother, manager etc. etc. etc. Well. guess what? I do manage some of them now. A good neuro got me back on track, has a regime in place of meds to help and I have a good life, just not the one I thought I would have, you know, where you are not looking over your shoulder for the next illness, debilitation and so on.
I really wish you well, you are a good person, you do care. We care.
I do hope you feel better today, I understand the anger..I am pissed beyond control..Every time I get ahead in life something happens and upends is, this was the kicker. I just bought my dream house, saved and struggled for years to get it, and a month later I am on disability. I will say the anger works for me, I embrace it and it gives me the ..well whatever (cant think with the pain I have today) to keep trying and keep searching for some way to beat this bastard.
Wendy