Worn

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I'm losing it. If you haven't heard the song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North, please check it out. It's how I feel right now. My heart is heavy. I know that the Lord is carrying me right now through my struggles, however, it's still really hard, REALLY HARD. I know that my family looks at me like I'm totally nuts. Especially when I randomly cry for no reason whatsoever. Well its crying for no reason to them, but for me, there's something inside me. I've had such horrible crying, anxiety and depression for the past few months, and we (me & my doctors) just can't get it figured out. I'm on a handful of meds just for the anxiety & depression. Not to mention the TN which is always creeping around in my life. Today was on a higher pain level because of all the crying. I'm Worn, Lord! I am so lost right now in my life, and I'm only 39. And this whole suicide thing is always in my head, like the devil on my shoulder, and I so wish someone would shoot him off my shoulder. I want God and no one else! My reason for writing this is because having Trigeminal Neuralgia, or any type of chronic pain is hard. Whether you are in remission, have slight pain, or pain thru the roof, its HARD. It causes other "stuff" in life that is also hard. This week has been a particularly difficult week for me, I've had some personal stuff going on, and I can't always process everything very well. One thing that really is difficult is that I cannot remember a lot of things in my short term memory, and that scares the hell out of me. I can remember stuff from a long time ago, but nothing recent or from like yesterday, or last week. It is so frustrating.

It will be 1 year ago tomorrow, Aug 17 that my TN hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was down & out for 3 months. Perhaps that has something to do with my anxiety, that it will "come back" like that. I never want to live in that HELL ever again, but it seems like my TN pain is getting worse, day by day, and I'm so scared to become a burden on my family. A few months back, I started taking an all natural product which gave me my "life" back. I was doing so well, and then my damn TN started creeping back day by day, and I feel like such a hypocrite even talking about the products which helped me so much back then. It really does help, but I'm still using it, and I feel like it isn't helping anymore. One of the reasons I feel this way is because of all the toxic Rx drugs I'm putting into my body....it doesn't have a chance to work. I just feel so overwhelmed with life. Kids have been home all summer, making my house a disaster. Leaving everything for me to try and clean. Back to school this week, Praise the Lord! I'm hoping it gets better. My son struggles with learning, and he's going into 6th grade, and I'm afraid we will be doing a lot of homework this year. I have a very hard time keeping control of my temper, and I get angry very quickly. I do not have the skills to handle my anger. That is one thing I'm working on. I am seeing a psychiatrist & psychologist for all the depression, anxiety, and going to work on anger management. I'm still seeing my Upper Cervical Chiropractor (1 year now!) and I believe he is making the most changes with my TN. He is amazing.

My car died. The car I've driven since 2001. I bawled when it got towed away. Now, I'm left to drive our "overstock" SUV a '99 Suburban which is very nice, but not "mine" you know, it's like my husbands. We cannot afford another car payment now....Hell we can't hardly afford our meds every month, let alone another car payment. Everything is such a struggle. I have thousands in medical bills, and I feel like a horrible financial advisor for our family. My husband has tried taking over a lot of "stuff" in our family, he is just so super busy during the summer, I just feel so guilty. Plus he has a VERY stressful job. I'm feeling like such a horrible, worthless person right now, I need lots of prayers. So I'm blogging now to ask for prayers for me, my family & just ask for Grace over my family. I am just sad, worn and struggling.

Thank you everyone who reads this. I know how hard TN, anxiety & depression can be. I honestly feel like I need inpatient help to get my head on straight, but who knows, I might be an inpatient for a year! (Ha ha), can still crack a joke!

Anyway, again, thank you for praying for me. I love my TN family & that I can blog here and my great TN family all sticks together.

Always~ Robbie

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Precious God above all creation

I pray for Robbie , that you would restore her joy , even in the midst of all this darkness she's going through. Father show her your with her, bless her with the peace that surpasses all understanding. Your word says we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us Philipians 4:13 help her to stand strong and see that you have great plans for her life Jeremiah 29:11. Use Robbie in a mighty way to reach others that are listening to the lies of the enemy that demonic life of satan that their lives aren't valuable, Help her to use her time that she has wisely and give her family hearts of love and compassion as she walks with you.

In the Mighty Name of Jesus

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Robbie, I’m so sorry to read that your TN is creeping in again …I want you to know that while reading your blog I could relate to so much, I could have written this blog. Take small comfort in knowing you’re not alone in this …I do.
I’m 42, and my left side came out of remission at 39 … These last few years have been lost to the struggle of unrelenting pain, MVD, many meds, loss of independence, loss of being able to work, etc etc…so many losses.
It’s only natural for us to repetitively wander through the various stages of grief …
You are incredibly strong and it shows by your continued perseverance to find ways to manage your TN. Being able to recognize that you are depressed, anxious, angry is huge! And then taking the steps to get help and guidance is an incredible show of strength. Remember that…I too struggle with all these things.
We have to remember our incredible strength and find glimmers of hope and gratitude amid the struggles, it’s a constant effort.
Know that I’m thinking of you, sending you positive thoughts and will pray for you.
I always joke about a padded room…it’s waiting for me. :wink:
Huge ((( hugs ))) Mimi

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Hi Robbie,

I also can relate. I'm sorry you're at your 1st TN anniversary, mine was tough too. TN hit me in March 2012 which also happens to be the month my birthday is in, so March is a very weird month for me now. At the one year anniversary I was in a very dark place, but you will have better days again. Don't think that you're a worthless person. I've said the same thing to my husband at times, but that feeling comes from living with the frustration and pain TN has brought. As Mimi already said - you're not alone in this. Please don't lose hope. xx

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Worn,

My heart goes out to you. I am praying for you and yiur family. I have lived with TN for nearly 20 years. I like to refer to TN as a mean vicious evil disease. The TN controlled my entire life. I became a player in its life.

When I listen to you writings, it mimics my own life and, I imagine many others. Chronic pain coupled with the excruciating pain of TN can be dibilatating. It seems that at some point you have no choice but to surrender to the illness.

I have tried every treatment level; medication, natural remedy and radiation (Cyberknife) treatment. I have suffered from depression as a result of this illness; and, would be remissed if I did not confess to thoughts of suicide. But, I knew that I was bigger than the TN. I suffered through the pain and I recently had surgery to decompress the nerve. It took me a very long time to make the decision, but I am happy that I made the decision.

What I will tell you, is that you have to maintain a positive attitude through the pain because the more you stress and the more you cry, the worse the episodes and increase frequency of the episodes.

I pray for you my fellow sufferer. I know what you are going through because I have lived your pain and suffering. You must pray for strength because it will be through prayers, family and friends that you will survive this illness.

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This group is so wise and supportive. I’m new here, but I’m no stranger to chronic pain…FM! RA! OA and now ON. This has moved me into a new struggle. Always the questions…how can I do this? What do I have to give? Really??? Again??? This month has been super bad. Cancelled 2vacations. Not sure I can manage one planned for September. You sound so brave to share exactly where you are. That speaks to the support you find here. Keep hanging in. Keep sharing.

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Thanks everyone <3