What I miss about me

The thing I miss most about me, the old me, pre-TN is the freedom of mind I had. I have always been highly strung and as I wrote somewhere else I lived with a knot in my stomach and felt as if I was living my life on roller skates. But I do remember times I spent on the beach staring out at the ocean, or in a meadow looking up at the sky or even in a plane staring out of the window with nothing in my mind. Now I am always accompanied by the whizzing of trains rushing through my head or/and the tinnitus. I can never have any time to myself. I have been hijacked. My mind is not my own. I have to share it with this ever present side effect of the TN. I wasn't perfect back then but I did have some down time occasionally.

(((( hugs ))))

Spot on dsm... your mind becomes fully occupied with the pain & dealing with it.. no spare capacity for creative / reflective thought. It becomes your b... life. Every decision qualified by the pain. I just feel like locking myself in my house and disconnecting the phone to avoid any random inputs that I cannot handle. And even then it will stalk the house and taunt me. I prepared for an early retirement ... I have a house full of goodies to keep me entertained / stimulated .. , no debt etc.... and along comes this and everything comes undone. Totally. I play the guitar... I bought myself some very nice guitars... but my enjoyment from playing has evaporated. So there they sit. I am reminded of the rich man who had so much "stuff" he decided to pull down his old barns and build bigger ones, then take his ease! Little did he know the Angel of Death would come that very night for him.. in my case ATN was visited upon me... and all that "stuff "is now meaningless.

Ah well another day tommorrow. Hugs to the community.

well said dsn. what i miss about me is the spontinaity to do things. the enjoyment from babies and children. their excitability and loudness cause me pain and im noy stable enough from the drugs to hold them. i miss my children making me laugh so hard i peed my pants. i miss my ability to make large meals and baking. i miss talking to my children far away on the phone without being in pain. i miss excercise, i miss loud music and dancing. i miss making love to my husband, kissing him, holding him having fun with him, going grocery shopping with him. yes i said it, grocery shopping lol. helping him with the yard work. oh the list is endless. i dont miss the highstrung me though. this TN has calmed me down and made me see things differently. made me appreciate the smaller things in life. forced me to look for the positive in things as there are way to many negative aspects of it. its not easy but i force myself to try. the list of things i miss about myself is way bigger and i have to some how even it out so i dont live in such a dark place. sounds easy right ? thats my challenge to myself. i hope everyone can pull themselves away from all of the terrible affects of TN at times and feel calm and comfortable with their lives. acceptance is one of the hardest thing to deal with. take care everyone, jacqueline

Yeah. I was boarded from work cos of the TN. And as you say Craig ... no creative thought is possible.

People say "I wish I could stay at home all day."


I don't even answer them any more.

I love writing short stories. So then they say.

"You have so much time on your hands, why don't you write more short stories, or even a book?"

I can't even write the b.... short stories any more, let alone a book!!

I have stopped trying to explain the maelstrom in my head and the nausea and the tiredness.. etc.

As they say in SA "Jawellnofine."