My husband simply doesn't understand the severity of the pain I am suffering. He keeps saying things like psychosomatic and that I'm thinking about it so it seems worse than it is. And this is AFTER he has looked it up online.
I just don't know how to explain to him that the pain has just kept worsening and that I have tried to be stoic for him and the kids. I'm frustrated and angry and sad. And in pain.
Help!
I hope you got counseling, WotV. It sounds like a rough situation. It's not fun being in pain and being misunderstood.
WotV:
Wow, I feel your pain, physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually :( I just ended a relationship and moved because I kept hearing the same exact words - psycosomatic, overexageration, drama and malingerer.
I have fibromialgia, Eagles Syndrome and Superior/Semicircular Canal Dehiscence (an inner ear disorder). I've had partial relief with one surgery for the Eagles on the left side; however, I'm still in quite a bit of pain still from head to toe.
I manage to keep a very optimistic attitude despite these issues as I believe in the power of positivity!! :) But it seems that all of the good in me was never good enough for 'him' because I never could physically be 'up to par' by his standards.
For the most part, most days I could pull it together enough to function and push through the day to day. But on the days when I couldn't do simple things like shower, brush my teeth and go out the door to run errands and be 'busy busy' with him and he saw me at my weakest and I needed help - that freaked him out. I know today that's HIS issue, not mine. If he can't face the fact that I'm sick, if he needed to deny the fact that I'm physically ill, there's something in him that's wrong, not me. His denial was his fear. When I had my Eagles surgery, a week before the surgery he said, "Amy, would you be pissed if I didn't go to the surgery with you?" I was like, "Jeez James! They're gonna dig a spike out of the base of my skull and scrape calcified deposits off my jaw and esophagus and clavicle! And you want to sit at home and watch baseball or some Nascar or some shit? REALLY?" And then after some digging he finally said, "What if you die? What if you flat line and there's nothing I can do?"
So what it may come down to with your husband is he may not want to understand because if he understands then he has to acknowledge. And if he acknowledges, really comes to terms with how much his wife is really suffering, then he may actually have to deal with his grief too...
I don't know. I speak of this because I have a sister who has rheumatoid arthritis. When she was 14 and I was 12 she was diagnosed. I wanted to deny what she was going through for so long too so I didn't have to feel it. I tried drowning it in alcohol and drugs and didn't really feel it until I got sober at 23.
Have you ever asked him how he's feeling? Just a thought :)
I hope this message finds you feeling better and in a better space emotionally and physically.
Kind regards,
Amy
He blames everything on my weight and hate of exercise. I used to exercise and loved it, but with my asthma, GPN, extra weight, and now osteoarthritis in my knee - not to mention in my cervical spine - well, let's just say it's tough. He thinks I can just push through everything. He actually thinks that I can one day stop my antidepressants - this, after a major depressive episode that nearly killed me. He hates medication. I take a ton for my issues. I don't love it, but I need it.
I just started Medifast to try to delay the necessity for knee replacement. I'm hungry, tired, and sad. My brother died in my arms just a month ago.
All of these things are just "push on through" things to him. I don't have the fortitude. He doesn't have the pain. I'm just talking with my therapist and trying to keep on moving forward...
Keep posting here if it helps, WotV -- we are here for you, and will listen. I am very sorry to hear about your brother. I hope there are better days ahead.
I, too, am sorry to hear about your brother. The pain of losing a loved one is a pain so great and the time it takes to mend is a long process. It's wonderful you're seeking therapy to see you through these issues. I see a therapist as well to deal with bipolar depression, addiction/alcoholism (my 2 year anniversary is next Tuesday, so stoked!!!!) and also to deal with the psychological affects of the toll that chronic pain has on the psyche.
Back in 2007 my Dad passed after a 4 1/2 year battle with colon cancer. My mother was at his head, my sister by his shoulder and I was holding his hand as he crossed over. The release was peaceful and the transfer of energy was electrical as he entered the world of spirits. The void it left in my being was immense however. I remember my physical pain levels greatly increasing and emotionally I had no idea what to do with it. My production levels at work plummeted. My irritability skyrocketed and my tolerance for those around me dropped. I had to ask my therapist for extra tools ei. books to read, relaxation methods...to use so I could deal with my emotions and pain levels.
WotV, I'm glad you're reaching out! Please, just know that if there's anything you need, please ask. I realize the relationship you're in is a marriage, and that implies deep commitment. The relationship I just got out of was not a marriage and the stakes were not that high so it was easy, well not easy, to walk away. But I loved him very much and wanted desperately for it to work out. We were together for a very long time. But it got to the point where I realized that I was giving giving giving and trying trying trying and he was harsh harsh harsh. Judging judging judging. Not understanding and accusing. Not empathetic to my needs at all. I realized that the only thing I could change was myself, not him. The only thing I could change was MY thinking, my behavior and my actions. NOTHING I could do or say would change him. I was unhappy and the only thing that was going to change my state of being was me. I had the power over what happened to me and the only way to change that was to do what was best for Amy. I tried to be positive for myself in that situation but it was impossible when all he did was go out of his way to belittle and berate me daily. So I had to just say bye bye. I love you but you're killing me.
What's best for you is up to you to decide. But you must empower yourself in your own mind for your own body's sake. You are beautiful inside and out! If your hubby doesn't see it, I do. Dancermom does. And most certainly - I know you do too...I know you know, somewhere in there, I know you know.
When is your next therapy session? Can you think of any questions you can go in there with so you can give yourself some empowerment with? Medifast is a good start my dear! I take a whole cocktail of meds too, don't like it but I accept it because it keeps me mentally balanced and I'm grateful for them :)
So, my friend, what can you ask yourself to get back to a place of inner strength?