Thank you all for your kind words of support and understanding... I sometimes forget whats in front of me and get very depressed and feel lousy and out of touch... I moved in with my mother recently to assist me with my son as there are days that I just cant even speak and being a teen he uses against me because he knows I will give in as he will just do the 'Bart Simpson' torture on me till I cant bare to listen to the wailing!!
Unfortunately my mother doesn't understand what I am going through and she is an educated nurse and Pathologist. She even had a go at me today for having a winge and told me to shut up. I looked her in the face and said - would you prefer me crying in pain and you can see it or shall we esthetically pretend TN doesn't exist and I drown myself in opiates around you so you don't have to listen to my pain and I stormed off to my room.
I daily do positive affirmations and visualize myself with NO PAIN, smiling, being happy, in a loving relationship and not having to worry about where am I going to get the $$ for the gabapantem (I am seriously thinking about bribing a GP to list me as an epileptic so I pay only $5.60 instead $200 per month!!!)... I have read the Secret, I have read about the Biology of Belief... I am seeing a natropath, seeking out Chinese methods and seeing an Associate Professor of Neurosurgery on Monday... I am so excited to finally see a doctor that knows and understand. I am sick to death of being mistreated by hospitals as a junkie... I try and compartmentalize the negative and just try and think about the positive things in my life... Things like sleeping - its my favourite hobby - its the time I have NO PAIN... and my son when he isn't a teen brat!
Am I over reacting here or has everyone gone thro this right of passage before acceptance? I was diagnosed in 2007 but kept it to myself - carried it on my shoulders for 4 years and told noone... I suffered alone... it was only when I came across this website that I openly admitted the pain, which I was thought was a sign of weakness... its there like a grieving process...?? I just feel so up and down about this... once minute when Im not in pain for about 10 minutes and be happy and jump arounf then i will like a split personality, collapse on couch facing noone and try not to show anyone my soilent tears. lately the pain so bad that i have to do serious meditation but thats after knocking knocking back opiates first.... I hate living in a daze, forgetting things and not being able to drive anymore....
Anyways, thats my ear bash for today... I think I mite just go to sleep. nothing better to do on a Saturday night... no date, no clubbing with friends (lost most mates due to last minute cancellations thanks to TN)... no boyfriend...
PMSL you would think I was 70 talking like this yet i am only in my mid 30s!!!
Good night all xxx