I try not to be a negative person. I used to be terribly negative and I found it followed me everywhere I went. Recently a friend with whom I havent spoken to in 19 years has opened my eyes and helped me through the break up with the fiance and has taught me to use my brain better and litterally filing things away in my head and learning to completely let go. I have always beleived that positivity attracts positiveness... 'The Secret' that was written by the Byrne lady is no new relevation, I see it in my own everyday life... But to be honest some days its just so bloody hard to be positive when you have left side of your face burning like you are sleeping on a BBQ, then having shots of electricity hitting your left eye, left nose area and left lower jaw area that goes on for hours on end, oh then there is the light sensitivity and nausea and on a really good day I have lately been getting these aweful short but so intense that I cant speak, I cant move, I cant walk or anything... Now how am I meant to sing "the sound of music" when I am going through something like that? LMAO
Apparently I can, I suprised myself... Just when I thought everything fell to crap... my ex is still stalking me and making THREATS to get back with him (have contacted police already!)...On Sunday Night I was looking for our Ginger Cat Oliver. He is a sickly cat, weak, he never really even leaves the property, he gets scared by noise so he is always home by 7.30pm for dinner and goes upstairs to his bed to sleep... There was no sign at 2.00am (I know this because I couldnt keep worried and it gave me a great TN attack), by 5am I was running up and down Point Cook road in my pink Spongebob Square Pants PJs (Yes it was a hilarious sight and I did get tooted by a few truckies!) and still nothing, I gave up and then I heard in our bushes a tiny meow... I pulled him gently out by his front paws and his lower half was all mangled and crushed with bones sticking through the skin. He was in shock he wasnt even complaining about the pain. Some sick pig ran him over and just took off instead of knocking on our door and saying hey your silly cat ran out infront of me... cats ARE stupid... its not drivers fault ever!! I drove to the Werribee Vetinary Hospital which is run by the University of Melbourne. With the injuries sustained the most humain thing to do was to put him down. I sang to him and touched nose to nose and he purred and staired into my eyes as I watched the life drain out of him... It was probably the single most hardest thing I have ever done in my life. To pour acid on my pain the vet handed me a bill for FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS and asked how I will be paying for that today!!!!????? I didnt have a wallet with me and I dont even have $3 to my name at the moment till Centrelink approves my claim... I was livid!! They wanted to charge me a disposal fee of $50.00. I asked them if they are a teaching hospital and have students, they said yes so I said why are you the most expensive vet in the state then? They had no answer - this isnt the end, I am complaining to the Vet board and to University of Melbourne, all they did was look at him touch his injuries put a cloth over the bottom half of his body and administer 2 injections to put him to sleep.... I have never seen such grossly over priced vet service. When someone ran out last cat over, they drove it to local vet, as it was microchipped, they rang us and advised it had passed away and asked if they wanted us to collect remains or have them dispose of it. They NEVER ever sent a disposal bill and they are a little vet surgery run by a family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am trying to stay positive in light of all that has happened... the cat did have a wonderful life and probably used up about 12 lives instead 9! He will be missed... I have used the opportunity to declutter my life... now being single again, re-enrolling into uni (got my paperwork in the mail today!) and looking for a job for only about 14-16 hours a week - even weekends just to pay for the school books...
I must say that I feel like I am trying everything and just keep getting kicked down. I am constantly having attacks... I am at the point now that if I have another attack today I am not going to dick around with my own cocktail of painkillers, I am just going to go on my own purple haze and call the ambos and let them stick me with enough morphine to kill a horse lol. Nothing seems to be working. I cant even meditate at the moment, everytime I close my eyes I see my cats empty eyes. Every song I play somehow relates back, I know the stages of grieving and I am an impatient person and trying to push through them faster as i really want to move on and just be the happy person I was (regardless of the TN crap)... Right now I am just sitting here staring at the wall and feel it closing in on me... my face is starting to burn like someone is using my LHS as a BBQ and the lightening is slowly starting in small stabs but I know it. If I dont take anything now it will end up so uncontrollable I will be on the floor screaming... As if my life isnt already crap I have ANOTHER chest infection, ever since I was diagnosed with TN I have been getting chest infections ALOT. I am a non smoker and the only drugs I do are medicinal... oh and if you already think what a pathetic loser... Today I was moving my bed to open up my room more, slid on my socks, landed on my right wrist and heard a small snap. I am too tired and too lazy to even get an X-ray, thank god that the TN pain killers also work on the small fracture in my right wrist!!
Maybe my new tattoo should be a big L for loser on my forehead HA HA HA HA
But then I think of other people... people that are WORSE off. I dont have cancer, I can still walk, my son is healthy (just lazy), I live with my mum because she is a nurse and helps me out, I have a 15yo poodle x that follows me around and has this pure adoration for me, I still have enough food to put on the table till next week, I have a roof over my head, and I can read and write and still communicate with the world.... I have been listening to alot of audiobooks lately about the laws of attraction, about how we send out vibrations and how they are perceived.. it has actually helped me with the context of taking some of the information out of it and applying it to my everyday life with TN. I can cry and sulk and blame the world.... or I can take the meds, deal with it and smell the beautiful flowers outside, see the green grass growing... feel the warm sunshine against my back...
So next time any of you feel crap, I know its so hard to break a cycle, turn the frown upside down... the smallest things can change a bad day... If you get out of wrong side of the bed turn on a happy song to break the 'bad mood bear' cycle... you know the saying 'oh Im having one of those days' well guess what YOU DONT NEED TO BE... the more negative you are the more you attract, but in my case I have been so positive, any more positive and id be a poster child for prozac and yet I kept being dealt a bad hand of cards... maybe its like the panteine shampoo advert... wont happen overnight... but it will happen.
And thats my big dump off my chest.. wow its amazing how one can feel better once you offload everything :)
Not expecting replies and condolences, I actually would rather happy stories, good news, something small even that happened.. I need to really stay focused on the good otherwise everything i have worked so hard to change about me is going to end up back being back in the dark gloomy days where everything was a different shade of grey... I really used to not see colours (I was later told that its a form of depression)... I dont want to go down that dark area again...
Chin Up all.. Life is too short for to not have that extra Tim Tam!!!
Love ya all
Bella xx
See You Later My Ginger Baby... I beleive that we all get re-united together in heaven!