I’m not going to lie… the last two weeks were incredibly painful. However, I was finally able to acknowledge and admit my anger towards God. I don’t want to feel angry, but I do. I finally broke down and told God exactly how I felt. I am so confused that no matter how many times I pray, or how many people pray for me, with me and over me, that I can still be incapacitated with pain.
About 2 weeks ago I could not fight the pain anymore… and felt like a failure that I couldn’t handle it. There are many things I’ve been able to push through, but this was not one of them. By 3 or 4am, all I could do was literally cry and yell out to God to help me… and again… nothing. In the ER, it got to the point where the doctor could not give me any more pain meds because they had given me so much already… yet I was still in pain. Thankfully, it took an edge off just enough to where I could fall asleep.
During these times, I honestly feel betrayed. I wonder where God is… and why He isn’t helping me… and when no relief comes I feel like I’ve either done something wrong, or that I’m being punished or am not doing enough. I’ll be honest… there have been a few times that I question God’s love and faithfulness. And yes I know this is faulty thinking…but I have finally been able to recognize and verbalize why I avoid going to God first. I feel that every time I go to Him—He doesn’t help me so I’ve been avoiding not getting “hurt” again.
This week, God revealed something that is extremely hard to accept at times… God never promised me a life free of pain. But… God DID promise a life full of plans that are good and prosperous and that no weapon formed against me shall prevail. And He promised that I would never be alone. And… He reminded me that if anyone understands physical pain…it’s Jesus.
So if or when God doesn’t deliver me from moments of unbearable pain, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve done something wrong or that God is unloving or unfaithful… It means I simply have to hold on to what I know He HAS promised. And oh my word… it is not easy… but I have to hold on that He will always be with me and never forsake me.
Last week when I was in the ER, God put a song on my heart, and all I could keep saying to myself was:
“The enemy’s been defeated
Death couldn’t hold you down
We’re gonna lift our voice in victory
We’re gonna make our praises loud.”
At one point I almost did want to sing it out loud… but was afraid they would have transferred me to a different hospital ward lol J