Sit down folks, grab a cup of tea, make sure the heat is on and pull a blanket over those legs, shove some music on and get comfy ...I can wait.
Ready?
Then I shall begin.
First off I haven't been in significant pain since my regimen of 600mg of Carb and 10mg Amitriptyline began. Thats a good thing.
I had also had enough with my flat being in constant disarray and managed to get my housing trust to come and help me out - it took two stages, but its done. I feel better in a way - I have a load of things that need to be organised and given to charity and things that were my parents that I don't want, but Iife is great now
In April I had an ESA work capability test - the dr had me in and out in 15 mins so we all know right there I failed it. So I had to apply for an appeal - they tried to get in contact with me - and failed and thus it went to court for a tribunal -that happened on the 22nd took 40 mins of explain to a judge and being cross examined by a consultant who knew TN yay! they took five minutes and awarded my benefit.
I went to the London 2012 Olympics and Paralympics in the summer! It was soooo much fun and so well thought out - maps and games makers to help you get to places (all were volunteers and so upbeat it was amazing) I enjoyed every moment.
I went to London Comic Con in October - one of my best friends - I call her my baby sister - paid for me to go £30 and two auto's another £30 my three day weekend was awesome. I have sciatica and had no idea how that would fare up - it didnt I was hobbling by the sunday and then I went and met the boyfriend (waiting in a cold train station for 2 hours - sleeping intermittently til he turned up - just happy he was home from Leeds) What I didn't know was far from it being a warm up for Dragon Con in Atlanta, Georgia at 42, 000 attendees I needed D*C as it is called to warm me up LCC as well this year the count is 70,200. But it was exceedingly good fun. So I will never complain.
Christmas didn't happen, on xmas eve the boyfriend called to tell me his mother was seriously ill. So through out he called me instead. New years was worse his nan was borderline in hospital with a severe chest infection. So celebrating I didn't do.
2012 was marked as the year to be honest I tried to break up with my boyfriend multiple times - he was never here, he was working away or snowed under and the amount of time together totaled all year to 55. He swore blind that this year would be different. Things were going to change.
Well he was right, things were going to change.
On sunday the 27th of January I got a text. The one everyone dreads - and I am going to cut and past a blog entry from my private journal so you get what happened next;
"How I had the relationship equivalent of Chernobyl
On Sunday just past life was going good, my flat is livable (in fact I have enough space in my bedroom to turn it into a small yoga studio) and life was groovy.
Then I got a text. I love texts, but this is THE text all wives and girlfriends hate to receive. Its the one that starts "My name is ..." continues with "I am living with [insert name of boyfriend] and finishes with "Who are you and why are you telling him you love him?"
Yup, it was that kinda text.
I was floored, down but nowhere near out and nowhere near crying either. That was revelation one.
I fired back the response of "I am so and so and that <bleep> is my boyfriend of 4 years (this is counter to her two)"
"When was the last time you slept together?" was her response.
"Call me, we need to talk." was mine.
"Just tell me woman to woman." it returned.
"This is better done in a conversation, not a text - thank you kindly." I responded hearing Paul Gross's Friendly mounty from the show Due South, echoing in my mind.
Nothing
Ttime elapsed and I lost patience and called ... voicemail, bollocks to that I called again. Someone picked up and I heard voices. Then the line dropped. I called back it was picked up I heard arguing him saying he didn't want to talk to me, the line died again. I called back and finally he talks to me.
The ten minute conversation included highlights like "I love you but as a friend, I think of you as a sister always have, I've been forcing it" which was not what the fool was saying in bed to me I can say that much. I dumped him - I can't believe I actually said we are friends we will never be anything else now. Followed by "'She' wants to talk to you."
That conversation was long. She was in tears and I am the one to CONSOLE her. Shouldn't it be the other way - this was a man who I had infinitely more time invested with.
It turns out 9 months ago he moved to the other end of the UK and into Scotland and into her house. There are multitudes of details, but none of them truly serve any purpose. Just needless to say I was never allowed the 'wronged woman' vestige, and I am more than happy for that. Cause I dumped his junk.
Turns out though that in the over two years they have been together not once has she been down here, not once has she talked on the phone to his mother, sisters, nan and they are a CLOSE AS <bleep> FAMILY. She thinks computer games, internet etc is childish for him to use - even though it is how they met yadda yadda yadda. All I know is much as she is someone I would love as a friend - I wouldn't be in a relationship with her though.
And then I leave them to it and I go over my sister' house (She is a best friend that is in my heart and may as well be in reality a sister) and I sob. On the way I call a friend cause I can't be 'alone' I leave my sisters after dinner and call a old school friend, I get in and I call up a friend in ohio, then Kansas and finally Missouri. I finally pass out at 3.30 Am and then I am awoken by a text at 7. 32am guess who from?
Yup, Him!
And so for the last working week I have been talking to him. the first couple of days we hashed out our relationship, listened to him slag her off (we all knew that was coming) wind up with details I didn't want and finally settle into a friendship.
The only thing that has until last night had me confused was this;
Why do I not even care?!
About any of this?!
At first I thought it was because in keeping him as a friend (and killing him with kindness and keeping a reminder to myself of how a guy can dupe me) I haven't lost as much as either of them.
But
That doesn't seem to ring true.
Instead someone point out that it was because I wanted the relationship to be over. And that boys and girls is the crux of it; I wanted out!
I had wanted out most of last year - had given him the option to say yes lets finish multiple times, but he BEGGED to stick around. I had sat in my therapy sessions for depression - not willing to say how unhappy I was becoming in a relationship where for the most part we were texting instead of talking - he could read me like a book, but never challenged me. I wasn't ready to say anything, but looking back, I should have made an executive decision to end it all with the louse - but I didn't and I ain't even paying the price:
She is!
I spent a lot of the time talking with friends and not; listening to music, reading,watching tv or movies.
In fact my apartment has been consistently silent, and that has been good too. Sometimes you have to embrace the silence to find your centre.
So maybe it wasn't chernobyl - three mile island continues to function - sans a stack (there are three remaining), or perhaps one of the earthquake and tsunami struck, Japanese nuclear reactors, maybe one of those disasters more aptly describes the effects I have had.
One thing has come out of this and finding that 1. I want to be single, 2. I want to chose when to date and 3. I am ok. The one fear I had was that I would fall apart. I didn't and I haven't.
I am a STRONG woman - I am not a girl, I used to think of myself as that, a girl, but I really am not. I never knew my strength either - maybe after all it is two things from my nuclear accident of a break up after all."
Yeah thats my Adventures of the last ten months!
Edited to edit out the swears oops sorry!