I am having mixed emotions these days. on one hand, I am optimistic and hopeful. But on the other hand, I have completely lost my will to fight this. And since there is nothing anyone can do for me, I think constantly about ending my life. I have been trying to see a psychiatrist to talk about my depression, and to maybe get some motivation back. Unfortunately, there are waiting lists everwhere. I had an appointment yesterday, and they canceled.for NEXT friday. This is kind of an emergency. I need therapy just to deal with rejection by therapists!
I dont know how I can do this anymore. I have been trying to convince my husband to leave me, so that he can fall in love with someone who will be a better mom to my daughters. I think he’s being selfish. I wont ever get better, I’ll always spend my days laying on the couch in crippling pain, neglecting the needs of my kids, yelling at everyone because I am so frustrated.The crazy part is, I have such desires for more children, bigger dreams, a better life. Who am I fooling? And I am beyond sick and tired of everyone asking, how.are you today. Because they want me to say I feel better, that today is a great day. Most of the time, I lie and tell them that, so they can feel better. Might as.well, not like anyone can do anything.
I’m afraid of myself. I am so afraid of these moods. But they wont go away, and when I try to reach out, I just have doors slammed in my face.
How can I continue to go on like this, worse.and.worse every day? It’s been almost 10 years for me. My 20s were a huge waste, and I will never get that time back. How can I stay married to someone who I’ll always be a burdon to? And even more so, I wish someone would do my kids a favor and take them from me. I deserve them, but not how I am. This hurts.so UnGodly bad. Every shock rips apart my soul. I feel I am wasting away. I sort of hope so… I needsome happiness in my life.
Danielle.....I know the frustration and helplessness that you feel and the medication does not help. Where are you at with your treatment and what have you tried to eliminate or relieve the pain?.I went through that pain for 8 years and was literally at the end of my rope when I found the answer and my life turned completely around. Its extremely possible that the same thing can happen for you.
If your husband or children were dealing with TN everyday as you are, would you leave them? Would you find another husband to be a father to your children?
My guess, is NO.
You would fight with them, support them, love them.
Our families feel helpless although we suffer the pain, they too suffer watching someone they love in horrid pain …
Kids are resilient, they NEED their Mom, even if all you could do was just lie on the couch and be in the same room with them, that’s all they need… Living with TN is difficult, it’s not just a physical struggle, it’s emotional as well.
You are ahead, as you have self awareness that you need some therapy, you need to talk to someone, and THAT is your first priority. Google the suicide prevention phone number for your area, call. You’ll be able to start working through your feelings ASAP.
That’s the first step …
Please don’t spend another minute within your feelings in isolation, by writing here you’re reaching out and WE ALL know the feelings you feel right now.
We are here for you, there are no magic words to say except you are STRONG, you are brave, you need to dig deep within yourself and show your children you can get through this, you will get through this. There is always HOPE,
Don’t lose sight of your dreams for the future, don’t look too far ahead.
Right now you’re struggling, so right now it’s really important you address two things…
talking to someone professional who can help you sort through your current feelings.
finding pain control, if that means an increase in your current med or adding a new one, researching procedures that can give you some relief whatever it takes, this is so important.
Danielle, you are NOT alone, many of us have felt how you feel and it’s a conscious effort everyday, today is a bad day, but I promise better days are ahead.
Please message me and let me know you’ve found someone to talk too via the prevention line…you can do this!
I am so sorry sweet heart! I have been reading blogs, comments and I have thought to myself that this dieaase is terrible enough but I feel so bad for you moms that have this.Your beautiful children (I looked at your photos) need and love their mom.They are young now and probably don 't understand now, but they do know that they love their mom loves them. Somehow I do believe that through the Grace of GoD we will be ok and somewhere their is help for all of us.If we can just believe that Jesus died for each one of us. I know that with all my heart but some days I feel just like you did yesterday. I hope you are in less pain I really hope your are in NO pain. I had two weeks with almost constant pain in all 3 branches.I was looking for a MAC TRUCK. I know it sounds kinda funny now, but I was serious at the time. I know Hun this is terrible! Danielle, it sounds like your husband is loving and cares about you and your babies.He doesn't know what your goin through,,he can't. It sounds like he tries .Hang in there sweetheart and give your hubby a pat on the back and a hug to all .It will get better. Wishing you better days real soon and just believe and know your family needs you no matter what. (HUGS) Dawn
Danielle don’t give up. You are how your children make sense of the world. You inspire them just by being who u are darling. I felt much the same as you for many years with a pelvic problem. When I found the answer and got well I freed my husband and left him, we were so damaged by what we had gone through, the stupid thing was he didn’t understand why I felt that way as I gave him his purpose I made him who he was, he had felt blessed to carry my burdens. I broke it Danielle so it could never be fixed. Since then tn arrived and has taken over my life only this time I’m on my own. Stay strong and keep in touch xxxx
Danielle. Please get help! You are so special, and loved! I can say this because 5 years ago I was in your shoes. I wanted to die. I tryed to push everyone away too. I first found a great antiDepresent while I was trying to get the right dose and kind of medication for my TN. The help is out there.
Lora.