I think when you first get pain, you always assume the worst. Me? I'm thinking brain tumour. I'm thinking that at the young age of 15, I'm going to have to plan my funeral. I vividly remember going in for my first CT scan bawling my eyes out. The strange thing is, when I found out that there was nothing there, I was not relieved. Whatever was hurting me was still there!
School came around and I really tried to be there. I got up everyday with a smile on my face and left everyday with tears in my eyes. The lights, the noise, the breeze of someone passing me, it all set it off. It was hell on Earth. I remember on the third day of school, I came home and fought with my brother. This was just a normal sibling fight, but it left me on the floor shaking violently. I hadn't even finished writing my name the next day at school when my hand started to tremor. I immediately burst into tears and had to leave. Needless to say, that was my very last day of school. The doctors believe the tremor came from the stress on my body; I still have it to this day.
After seeing a neurologist in Calgary, she was certain that these "attacks" were not migraines. I was admitted to the Calgary Children's Hospital mid-October 2013 for the highest treatment of migraines that exists. The thinking was, if I didn't respond to the migraine treatment, I 100% did not have migraines. The treatment made me really sick and did not help at all. During my stay, I had an MRI and a lumbar puncture - both were clear.
If I remember correctly, the next few months was my emotional decline. I was practically guinea pig taking all these anticonvulsant medication that my body couldn't tolerate, I was teaching myself Grade 10, and my friends were nowhere to be seen. I think everyone that's ever lived with chronic pain has been through an emotional rollercoaster. You and I both know there's a cure for this all - It's nicknamed the suicide disease for a reason.
Let's get this straight, I don't hate my life. At all. I'm an extremely happy teenager that feels very privileged to have a comfortable life. I have two wonderful, loving parents; close friends and family; good grades; a cozy little house; a promising future; and the list goes on. BUT, absolutely no one deserves a life of pain. At that point in my life, I had lost all faith that there was anything left for me to do.
I don't know how I got through it. I truly, honestly don't. But I guess the fact that I'm here 10 months later, says it all. There is hope. And that lesson really hit home for me in April 2014.
To be continued...