The Guilt of Neuralgia

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1

Hi guys,

I'm not on this board too much now, as I spend most of my time on the LWGPN board now, but I check in occasionally and couldn't not post today.

But for me the psychological toll of the neuralgia is taking a heavy price, I hope you don't mind if I share my feelings on this.

I'm 29, been with my man 12 years, married 5, and believe me our relationship is far from perfect, in many many ways, but yet we continue to muddle on and I feel boundless guilt for having this condition. I have had this for nearing 4 years, and have been fairly heavilly medicated, and although able to work, I have undoubtedly become reclusive in that time, partly because of a home move to an area where I haven't integrated ( the move was what he wanted, but in the end a large part of it, for agreeing to move, for me, was to be around people who didn't know me before, because I felt so different to my very core)

I don't go out, on my days off, if I can stay in the house in my pjs and catch up with everything I've neglected when I;ve been working I will, I have no enthusiasm, my desire for social settings or at least large groups is gone, going to the pub is out cause I cant drink on the tegs, and he accepts that, he doesn't ask, he just goes along with things. He is a good man, and by God I know he loves me, and for all the many flaws in our marriage my feelings of guilt and failure are what are killing me.

Now what I want more than anything in life is a family, and I have spoken about this on the board here in the past, but now; now the guilt is destroying me.

Guilt for not being the person he signed up for ( not that he cares) guilt for being a failure, guilt for not having a family, and at this present moment it looks a VERY unlikely thing to ever happen. ( even if I got off the meds I've just read that apparently the anti epps are really bad for making women polycystic, and often they are asymtomatic too, just to add insult to injury)

But I'm going to try and explain to you my thought processes, I know they are insane, I'm not disputing that, I know I'm not rational, but that is not the point, because once the gremlins set in, they are often there to stay, and if any of my friends said this to me I would give them a slap and tell them to get ahold of themselves and to stop torturing themselves for things that are outwith their control. That doesn't change that this is the way I FEEL, this isn't about what I know, but its about what I feel, and I hope you can understand my logic in getting to this position.

I have GPN, we thought a styloidectomy might fix it, but due to the distribution of my pain, it wont, so the options effectively are brainsurgery, billaterally. Now I know this is an easy decision for many people to make, it gets to the stage where there is no other option, but for me I'm not there yet, I can work, I can function, I can live day to day. The GPN MVD is riskier, the rate of death is higher, most of the other complications are the same as with the TN procedure, but theres a good chance that I would end up spending the rest of my days tube fed, and needing to learn how to sign. ( Add that to the fact that it kills me that I can only use English here asI only get to use my Gaelic when I'm on the phone to my folks. I don't hear it here, back home its everywhere, spoken, on the radio etc, but to loose my ability to speak would be another further isolation I wont go into) So to go from having 2 languages to having to learn a new one from scratch just doesn't bear thinking about.

Right now the pain I have albeit daily, and albeit excruciating when it comes is not enough to warrant those risks all for me to have a family, becuase if I went ahead with the surgery that would be the reason for it and thats not right.

So please bear with me as I try to explain further.

If I follow the surgery route, I would need to do it twice since I'm bilateral, factor in recovery times, additional fix it surgeries are always a possibility if you get your vocal chords screwed in the process you all know the drill many of you better than I.

The pain I was in a 18months ago from the meds I would have done the TN MVD in a heartbeat, (another story, but we thought this was TN with ATN, due to familial history, and some of the meds actually giving me facial pain as a side effect) but now my pain is less, more tollerable, and the GN MVD is far more risky, and all of a sudden I seem to find myself in the position of having to have brain surgery to be able to have a family,, or not have it and write of any hopes I have of having kids. Let’s be fair, we all know the men keep their brains in their reproductive regions, but this is just ridiculous!

I know that there are grey areas here, like just trying for a family anyway and to Hell with the consequences. But if God forbid anything did go wrong I wouldn’t be able to live with myself; For my selfishness to cause long term damage to another totally innocent person. That would kill me.

There’s adoption, yes, and it’s highly commendable, and not something I would ever write off, but it’is a different thing to what I’m talking about. The biological urge is fairly all encompassing, but either way, my medical notes are covered in information about TN and “suicide disease” one look and an application to an adoption agency would be filed in the bin, that is the realistic view on that, here; people get declined for being mildly overweight, “suicide disease” is never going to be a hit with an agency and I understand and accept that.

I may not like it, but that’s just how it is and there’s nothing I can do to change that.

There is surrogacy, believe me I’ve looked at that too, but here even doing it with your own biological child, the woman carrying can still decide to keep the baby, with with the biological parents having no legal follow up on it, you have no leg to stand on if that were the case, not that I could afford to pay expenses to do it anyway. But it is something else that I’ve looked at and it’s certainly not as if I could ask a family member to do it for me.

There are others that would say that it’s irresponsible to have a child at all, which I’m not even going to go into, but that is again just someone else’s view on what’s a very complicated situation.

I am going to see about the referral to my man in Bristol, and investigate the options.

But truly, for me; given the measure of control I have on the condition just now it would be irresponsible to have the surgeries, if I am being entirely honest with myself, the risks are too high given that it is at a mostly tolerable level.

That is what it is boiling down to, but to not have the surgery, I have to continue on the meds and write off having a family. It may be that eventually I need the op anyway and if I leave it 10 years and end up finally stopping the meds then my biological clock will have outright stopped by that point. ( or near enough !) So that’s a point for having it sooner rather than later, and that in the same way as TN these things can get worse over time rather than better and best to operate sooner ). But I can’t justify the risks yet, not with this surgery, it’s way too much to take on board, and too much to put my husband through, but that’s another thing that I will get to shortly.

So basically for a while I thought I could risk it, get onto the monotherapy, and try to have a child just on the tegs alone, but even with those alone, the risk of spina bifida is 10 times higher than it would be in a normal pregnancy, there’s the malformed hips,kidneys, feet, hands, facial features, genito unrinary issues in boys,mental retardation, the list of dangers is huge.

The risks themselves may not be that high statistically, but higher than I’d be happy risking.

Why? Guilt, pure and simple.If God forbid something were to go wrong looking in the eyes of a child I wasn’t strong enough or was too selfish to protect would kill me.

I know that as fact.

This isn’t about not loving a child with problems, that wouldn’t phase me, a child is a child and is born to be loved by it’s parents, no matter what, absolutely unconditionally, but how could a child love it’s parent if it knew the parent had condemned it to a lifetime of pain, because of their own adgenda, and please please don’t quote scripture at me on this either, and I mean no disrespect in saying that, I have enough in trying to figure this out without loading up on my lapsed proddy guilt too.

This is not about if I were to have a child while off all meds that has issues, that’s another thing entirely, my concern is if it were my own doing.

For me to attempt to have a child right now I would need to go cold turkey and I know I can’t do that, I couldn’t function or work if that was the case, really if you’re in too much pain to work the last thing that;s going to be on your mind is to be screwing like bunnies, it’s just not realistic. Plus without the income who could afford it anyway!? But that;s not even vaguely close to the point of where I’m going with this.

So in my head, and I know that this is un fair to do to myself, but the way this sits in my head is that I am nothing but a failure in this respect.

I have no options, my biological clock is starting to tick louder and louder, there is nothing in life I want more, but I can not risk the surgery for the reason of having a family alone, it’s crazy. Throat surgery is one thing, that is a risk that I was happy to go through with, brain surgery is another. I know that this is a medical issue and that it’s out with my control but however I feel like it is entirely within my power to fix it’s not like it’s a gynae issue, the issue is the medication, and it is medication that I can choose not to take, it’s not like I’m dependent on it for survival in the way of a diabetic, and it’s not like this is a terminal life threatening issue.

The fact I can not have children is boiling down to the FACT that I amn’t strong enough not to take it, but nor have I nerve enough ( and I mean that in the stones of steel sense, rather than the relevant spazzy one) or pain enough to warrant the risks of the op. Therefore the not having a family is my choice and my fault, because I choose to be medicated and in less pain. That is the logic of my world.

Choosing not to risk surgery or not come off them makes this my “fault” I know, I know, but that is the way I’m thinking about it. That being the case; my mindset views it as a fault, and a failure and a reason to feel laden with guilt and a short falling in myself.

I know with all that is rational in me that that is not the case, and that it is a ridiculous way to look at things, but that, is none the less exactly how I view the situation.

This isn’t something that affects many of us, most folk with neuralgia, especially TN are older, have done their rearing, or the epileptics have different issues from the meds and higher statistical risks anyway for birth defect and for stopping the meds so it’s far more of a risk for them, so their situation is different in yet another respect.

So right now I am feeling a total failure to the man I married, a failure as a wife. I know that’s not the way it’s perceived, and there is utmost horror that this is how I view it,especially from him, but all due to this disease I feel like my failures are mounting in all kinds of aspects of my personal life, and irrespective of the fact that that’s not how its seen by others, that is the way I feel about it.

Right now I don’t want to be the reason that my husband cant have kids, and if it comes to it; if I ever have this surgery I don't want to put my significant other through the trauma of dealing with that, and all that comes with it. The fear, the rehab, the learning to sign, or a funeral too soon…………. All real risks that are very much to be factored into any decision I make

It’s funny I don’t feel in a funk about the rest of my life per say, it’s not like I’m conventionally depressed, or depressed in any way like I’ve experienced in the past, of course, I’m devastated about this whole thing, but that is something very different. I just can’t figure it out at all. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have kids while suffering this. I’m not saying you should. I’m not saying that my mind won’t change dramatically over this again and again.

But the question it boils down to is; is it safe to breed (as) a tegretol retard? ( forgive my political incorrectness here, but its a really serious point)

Given this situation, I am leaving that politically incorrect statement exactly how it is. I wish I could say if the risks were worth it, I know most people go on to have perfect, healthy children with no ill effects, but I have the luck of sod behind me, and enough karma to bite me on the ass a good few times yet I’m sure. I don’t want to be the person so self indulgent they allow another human being to live a life of pain, because of my inability to deal with my own. But who knows? I may yet be that very person. Although I would hope not…………

I don’t want to be the person who spoils the lives of the people I love by my illness affecting their quality of life or restricting it in anyway.

And I do

I don’t want to be a millstone or bind to anyone, I know that that’s not how I’m viewed

But that’s how I feel.

I don’t want to be the person who’s mental health is now seen as questionable because of their logic.

But I am.

I don’t want to be in pain, but guess what? Yup, I still am.

I know the things in life that I want, I know that they aren’t much, but I know how I want my future to be.

My view of where I want to be in 10 years? I want to be rattling around an old croft house,back home, that I’ve painstakingly restored. I want an open fire, a rayburn and deep wide windows overlooking the sea. I want to have a brood around my ankles, who’s pals love the hippy goth freak show mum, I want to work part time in my own tattoo parlour in the mornings, get home in the afternoons, to spend the afternoons cooking and baking, so I can have home cooked meals on the table for the tribe, to have my parents and family close by, and to spend every night curled up beside the man I love.

And I can’t for the life of me seeing a single aspect of that being attainable anymore.

I’m sure this all reads as all very poor little me, and that’s not how it’s supposed to read, or how I want this to come across at all. I’m trying to explain how I view the situation, and although I know irrational in parts I’m trying to be as objective as possible about my thought process and reasoning for the whole thing, it’s all just a bit overwhelming and I can’t really fathom what the hell is best to do about any of it, there’s been a lot brewing surrounding this for a long time, and I’ve had years worth of thinking time to put into it, viewing it this way or that, taking one standpoint or another,as I tried one treatment or another, and I wont deny that that has changed with my treatment, but none the less it seems more sodding frustrating and confusing than ever.

Believe me I know my options

Mostly because I’m getting all the closer to hitting 30 and still haven’t managed to get a way through this yet or found a solution, and if it was something that I didn’t feel was within my control to fix obviously it would suck, but since I feel that there is something that I can do about it but am unable to do, (for want of the stones,) because of my weaknesses, that kills me. Yes, I am a nut, but that’s just the way this is, for whatever reason, I can’t view any of this any other way.

This brings up question after question after question, and I could go on until the cows come home trying to undstand it the options, the implications the craziness, or convince myself of the answers I want to hear, but I know it would telling myself what I want to hear rather than anything else.

I know that this whole rave is irrational, I wont dispute that, I can’t argue with that, but I hope to God that someone can see my reasoning for feeling the way I do, I know it’s insane, and please don’t try and send me for therapy. We Brits and more especially us islanders will not thank you for the suggestion. I understand this and the implications and my irrationality, I just hope that there are other people out there who understand it too. It feels almost irresponsible to be airing how I feel about this though, on the off chance that there is someone else who finds themselves in the same position I wouldn’t want to plant these thoughts into someone elses head, the guilt is all mine, and I would never want someone else to feel that way.

I guess this brings up new questions about relationships and that side of things too, that’s another can of worms that is not really what I wanted to tackle with this, but that comes next, so buckle up for the next few pages……………

I’m not sure what exactly it is I’m tackling by telling you all this either, I guess it’s more venting and a vaguely anonymous carthacism, and here I will find people who are probably more equipped to understand than in the wider poplous. I’m not asking for approval and I wholly expect some fall out and to be reprimanded for my coin of phrase or insensitivity but I’m still in the middle of trying to come to terms with this myself, and I am my own judge jury and executioner here.

Here it is, it’s an invisible disability, I look normal, I function, and that makes it worse in some respects because it’s not something that people know about or understand, and can’t obviously see a physical difference, which if that were the case would maybe make it easier if people could see the difference in me.

But is it even responsible to be in a realationship? Let alone in one with someone you truly care about. This isn’t a quick fix, this isn’t a dose of treatment and then being able to get on with our lives, this is something that is here and looks like it’s here to stay, no remission so far, and thats nearly 4 years in, I can’t expect that to change now.

But that’s how it goes, given this situation that I find myself in due to the guilt, the sense of failure should I actually be with anyone at all? Let alone someone that I really care about. I can’t help but feel that not only am I a let down in the respect of the whole inability to have a family thing, but also I amn’t the same sociable person I was prior to this, I am different in so many ways, and I don’t feel like I am the person that my husband signed up for, and for that I feel terrible. I know everyone changes, and I know that you sign up for sickness and health, and if it was in reverse I wouldn’t bail on him, but I feel that I’m a millstone.

But even to walk away, irrespective of who I’m with I’m always going to feel this way. Maybe that means I shouldn’t be with anyone at all, but I know that it’s a ridiculous martyr like statement, and there's no sense in punnishing myself for something that realistically is outwith my control

So theoretically as someone sick who wants a family and has reached the conclusion that they can’t, do you try and be in a relationship with someone else who wants a family? Nope that’s probably a bad idea, cause I'd only feel this failure all over again, or do you try being with someone who doesn’t? nope that doesn’t work too well either if you want different things it’s never going to work anyway.

So what do you do? Logic dictates that for the sake of your sanity ( not " you" as in the royal you, by you I mean, crazy like me) you should be on your own

I've had a horrific couple of weeks with the attacks, everything just seems off and I’m not liking or coping with any of it, but that;s just the nature of things I guess. At the moment I am going through every emotion imaginable and each of them on their own would be enough to drive me to drink, however there’s not much I can do about it or do to fix any of this right now.

I'm sorry to have vented, to have spilled all of this, but I figure that this is the place to share my feelings on it, and I'm sorry if my words have upset or offended, and with all my heart please understand that has not been my intention, I just wanted to share. But this.........

This is my life.

My love to all as ever

Gracie x x x

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Hey Jackie,

Thanks for your reply. I understand what you are saying about passing on a hereditary condition, and I appreciate it must be difficult, but your daughter herself has made her feelings clear on it, as I'm sure you would too had your own mother asked you the same question. I think in your situation I would have chosen to go on and have a family too.

And no, I'm not offended by anything you've said, not in the slightest.

My pain doc and neuro both stongly advised me against pursuing having a family while on the meds, my GP is now refering me to an obstetrician to talk through the options there. I'm not holding out much hope, I've had so many let downs thus far and because I'm so intollerant of most of the meds, but I guess it's a conversation that I need to have, irrespective of what is to happen.

I love my husband, I would never have married him if I didn't, but for as long as this neuralgia is in my life, I can't help but feel like I have failed him and robbed him of opportunity. And I should point out that it's not for anything he's said or done, at least not with regards the neuralgia, I know he would rather be with me than without. But guilt is guilt, and if you feel it you feel it, I probably need CBT or something, I've looked at this situation every way there is to look at it, I know the rationalisations, and I know that I'm overthinking and being too hard on myself.

That doesn't change how I FEEL about it, and I don't know that there is a way to change how you feel about something like that. Nope, I'm not Libran, I'm aquarian, and evidently nuttier than a bag of squirrels ;) Thanks for the reply though, I do really appreciate it, and you;re right, love don't come easy, and when you find it you do have to grab it with both hands. Just not always easy :)

Much love to you as ever.

Gracie x x x

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Grace, has anybody suggested that you counsel for a few months with a professional? If not, then I would be the first.

Among many other things, you write "I know with all that is rational in me that that is not the case, and that it is a ridiculous way to look at things, but that, is none the less exactly how I view the situation."

This is a classic statement of internal conflict. And my message to you -- with every intention of kindness and gentleness -- is that you can't have it both ways, Hon. Either you have to change your point of view, or you have to accept the suffering that your point of view inevitably creates in your own life and the lives of other people whom you love. Ultimately, such conflict isn't sustainable for many folks. And it's unfair to put your husband through it, if there are avenues for you to work your way to a better head space -- which there abundantly are.

I write this as one who knows something of internal conflict. It's a territory I spent easily 25 years submerged in. I grew up in an urban combat zone and an alcoholic's home, as a physically battered kid. Like many other battered kids, I internalized a lot of guilt and feelings of being faulty and at fault in anything bad that came my way.

In early adulthood and as a part of a shattering divorce and the loss of my daughter to a venomously hating ex-wife, I did a couple of years of serious individual and group Gestalt Theater work. There were also some later short periods of general counseling. The process gave me a number of tools of rational cognitive thought that I hadn't developed before. It was genuinely helpful. I commend it for your consideration. The alternatives are plain lousy, Grace.

Go in Peace and Power

R.A. "Red" Lawhern, Ph.D.
Resident Research Analyst, LwTN

4

Grace, your situation is absolutely common, never think you’re alone with those feelings of guilt. What I would like you to do is read your original post, sitting next to your husband, who is also reading it. Swap places in your mind, and read it as if he has posted it himself. How do you feel about him? Talk between yourselves, just discuss things, don’t expect all your troubles to be solved, but open your minds to communication. I’m sure you already know he has no feelings of blame towards you, and it’s very difficult for you to accept this.
Secondly, I’d like you to find a support … there must be a local counselling service, just someone to help you work through your dilemma.
Thirdly, I’d like you to remember how many people here are supportive of you. We all understand that there’s no immediate answer to your questions. We will all tell you what you already know, your guilt is misguided. But we’ve all been there too.
Cheers

5

Hey folks

Thank you for your kind responses, I've been on 12 hour days at work since sunday, so it takes me a while to check back in and reply.

You are both right of course. I know that its not sustainable to feel this way, and I also know that its irrational and that these feelings are mine and mine alone, they my husband certainly doesnt feel like this and he has been as supportive as he knows how.

It was cathartic just to be able to get this "out there" I suppose, I guess I've waffled a lot, and in some respects it could all be infinitely more straight forward than I've explained, in others much more complicated still.

Gremlins I suppose, they have their own sweet way of getting to you; I understand the situation, I understand that my feelings on it are unfair and misguided, but the feelings of guilt remain none the less.

I will figure a way through it, and do need to get to a better headspace, cause Red you're dead right that this is NOT sustainable.

But thank you again for your kind words.

All my love to you

Gracie x x x

6

All lives contain phases of growth, expectation, realization, etc. I regularly visit and play cards with a much older man in a nursing home, and I recently joked with him that it seems like we spend half of our lives accumulating (or at least trying to accumulate) things, and then the the other half getting rid of, or trying to let go of, or coming to terms with the “letting go” of these very same things.

Knowledge, homes, companions, children, some of these things we want more than others, but each of us has our own goals and expectations, regardless of our status or health.

As of this September 2011, it will be thirty-nine years since my “attacks” began, when “American Pie” was on every (transistor) radio, and Watergate was not yet in the news, and they were still building the World Trade Center buildings.

Nothing in my life has been the same EXCEPT for the painful episodes, which have been relatively identical for almost four decades. And in spite of the numerous obstacles and reduced quality of life this illness has produced, I wonder sometimes if, in a way, it has clarified for me a bit, that all lives involve dealing with loss.

Don’t get me wrong: there is no “advantage” in having such an awful illness, but it does sometimes seem to clarify these necessary life “stages” that everyone must go through, and I think we can use this at least a little bit to our advantage, especially if we allow it to help us realize that we must eventually “let go” of all things in life.

It’s most difficult to come to terms and understand this when we are still in that phase of life where we hope to acquire more things, whether it be companionship, or family, or children. And having an illness makes all of this more difficult. But on the “other side” of this, as we reach a certain time or age or “place,” when we realize and “come to terms” with the fact that it all goes away, I think having this particular illness really gives us a certain way to clearly “focus” on how we all must deal with the process of letting things go. And there is a certain peace in this, I think maybe because having an illness makes us appreciate what we do have, and what we are able to attain, a little bit more clearly. And the process of letting go of some or part of it, or even all of it, comes much more naturally to those who had to perhaps struggle much more to achieve any of it.

Our reach shall always exceed our grasp, and living with a condition that can strike at random and make even the most simple or ordinary things difficult or nearly impossible is going to limit our ability to achieve, attain, or acquire many things throughout our lives; but it can, at the same time, really “sharpen” our focus on those things we do achieve, those things that, even if we never even get them or get near them, we can appreciate them in a way that others probably could never imagine.

As I am now over age fifty, I can look back a little bit in life’s mirror now, and while I can hardly remember those few years that I lived without this illness, I do recall those many years when I hoped to acquire “normal” things: things like friends, family, children. And while most of it never was fully realized, some of it was, and it’s actually a bit of an inspiration to read of your many ambitions, your aspirations, your hopes.

Having lived through this phase, I won’t say it magically gets better, but even if you’re like me and live without finding anything that resembles a cure, I can say that for the most part, it doesn’t get worse. And actually, once we reach a certain age and begin to understand the process of loss and how natural it is, this illness maybe even affords us a bit of an “edge” over a “healthy” person.

Keep your goals and dreams intact, and fight for every one of them, but also try to see that most of what can be “seen” in life is just a temporary illusion. I really enjoyed reading your true aspirations, and I wish you well, and hope you can resolve how you feel with what you have and who you are, and be at peace with things, no matter how they turn out. Carry On! (jqt)

7

One more thought for Grace -- which I think you know but I still intuit is appropriate. It is not my intention to shut you down emotionally or criticize you, Hon. It is important and often healing to vent. What is important to realize, however, is that venting is the first step in a journey toward something bigger than that. So please hear my encouragement as well as my suggestion that you see a professional: don't stop where you are. Refuse the paralysis of guilt and anxiety. Face the demon and spit in his eye.

There is a mantra of sorts (a repeated chant similar to those used in the Yogas), that was written by Frank Herbert in his "Dune" series of novels. With some modifications, I've always found that mantra marvelously centering and healing:

"I shall not fear, for Fear is the little death that overcometh all understanding. Instead, I shall face my fear and let it pass over and through me, to disappear into its native nothingness."

Thus my felt advice when you feel the guilt is to ask a question: "Who is talking?" And then be outwardly quiet as you listen for your answers. I'll bet you anything that the virtual speaker in these pained dialogs is your Fear, not yourself. If you are Biblically inclined, a quote from New Testament may also be germane when you fee3l strong enough to speak to that fear: "You are a Liar and the Father of it!"

Go in Peace and Power,

Red

8

Gentlemen,

My apologies for my late reply, I've been working 13 hour shifts for the last 3 days not to mention the horror of the commute, but it is now the weekend ( she says smugly on a Tuesday) and I am off now till Monday, thank the Lord!!!

John, thank you, you have a beautiful way of writing and you mirror so many of my own thoughts over the last few years in what you have said, not that you'd believe it giving the p!ssing and moaning I've done. There is no doubt that with this or any other life altering condition that there is the grieving process, and we all go through the whole 7 steps, and in truth, with each obstacle, with each new hope of treatment, or its failure the process can and does often begin again. I am under no illusions about this condition, it has altered my life in ways I didn't know or believe possible, in both good ways and bad, I have made incredible friends, recieved education after education, overcome each hurdle as it appeared, ( to one degree or another) and in many ways I truly believe I am a better human being because of it.

There is however always a flip side.........

But, we do what we can, we go about our lives, and we have to make the most of our lot, because the bitterness, and the anger, and depression that all goes hand in hand with the pain can and does, ( as the belly rumbles to which you've been subjected will confirm) eat away at you.

Red you are also so very right, you reminded me of another quote, the author of which escapes me at the moment, who said " there is nothing to be feared but fear itself....... and stairs" and didn't half make me smile. I wholeheartedly know that you are not criticising, and I do appreciate your advice

The initial rant I put up was something that has been brewing ( along with a few other things) over quite a period of time and it is something that I am working, in my own little way to see about processing, part of that processing was being told in no uncertain terms that I NEEDED to see a doctor, anyway to cut a long story short, I went to the docs a while back, explained my reasoning for feeling the way I did and she has made me an appointment to see an obstetrician( albeit I have discussed this with pain management and neurology, my doc thought that an OB should speak to me about my options)

Now the appointment came through yesterday and I have that in my sights to go to. I am by no means putting any hope in the appointment, I have done that and had my bubble burst too many times already to set myself up for that, but it will be useful for me to discuss it properly.

The main problem that I believe I would face is my tollerance to the less teteragenic drugs that are available, but by the by the appointment is made and I will be going to see how it plays out.

Tomorrow I go back to the GP to see if my heart is collapsing, the GPN has been flaring badly of late and so are the chest pains, it's all comming to closely together, and even having been told it was tiezes previously and not to worry about it ( by a doc who'd never heard of gpn I add) I am getting a lil concerned given that you can end up with cardiac issues from gpn, so that is getting followed up on tomorrow.

God, 2 wee nerves in my head go wonkey and I have to see gynaes and see about getting my heart looked at, its quite amusing in some sort of a twisted way, or it would be if it didn't hurt like a she b!tch.

There is undoubtely a lot going on, and I have a lot of things niggling at me for various reasons, between the illness, and the homesickness ( another story entirely!) and the guilt etc I know there comes a point when something has to give, and slowly but surely I believe I'm making headway.

For now though, given that I've just worked what felt like the longest shift in history I will bid you all a goodnight, much love to you all as ever, and I will pop back on tomorrow when I'm more awake and more capable of stringing together intelligible thoughts.

Gracie x x x

9

When you see the Obstetrician, I'd remind you and encourage you to ask about a referral to another professional who provides rational cognitive therapy and/or supportive counseling for issues of depression. Both post-partum and other forms of depression are pretty well known in that branch of medicine. I'd be surprised if any OB didn't have somebody in his or her cardex.

Consider this a friendly nudge-nudge. Same theme as before: process all you want later, Grace, but move your tail now 'cause we've got incoming mortar rounds (as we used to say in the military).

Good evening...

Red