Severe Depression and anger...and surgery question

1

Does anybody else feel all alone? It has been almost 6 months since my first take to me to my knees attack and sadly I now say that dying is not the worst thing that can happen to a person.

I feel like all I do is complain that is not the kind of person I am. GN is not terminal but in a way I feel that it is. 6 months ago I was a full time student (5 classes per semester) with perfect grades, I babysat and cleaned houses for money, on top of I am a single mom with 2 lovies and I exercised at least 5 days a week! and everyother week I would go to the sports bar and have a couple of drinks and spend time with my best friend. Not that any of that really matters to most but I had a plan I had a future, I was independent and motivated, not to mention I looked awesome ;) I was happy. Everything was finally ok. I had peace with my life, and for the first time in 12 years (when i met the girls dad) I knew what I wanted and how to get there I couldnt be stopped (so i thought).

The first time I felt my ear go off I thought the side of my brain had exploded. I seriously thought I was going to die. That severe pain lasted maybe 15 mins but I had this nagging pain I couldnt shake it.

Just like others I went through drs and PAs and NP and ER I literally spent more money than I had because I never got a break from pain, I went from a perfect schedule to a zombie I never got sleep I fell behind in my school I started hating the sounds of my kids voices. DO YOU KNOW HOW AWFUL THAT IS?

Since I didnt know what to do I started tracking my pain levels daily but after a month I realized that was pointless. I can literally name the days that I didnt have pain. (is that normail?)

Thankfully I have built up a tolerance to the everyday annoying pain but at least once a week I am curled up in a ball screaming literally screaming in pain begging for it to stop. My anxiety is through the roof I have put on 30 pounds due to the steroids they had me on at first, the nerve medicine they have me on now and my inability to exercise. I am missing another semester of school, some days I cant walk, my jaw locks up, my vision blurs and my dr is scared that I will have a pain induced stroke. I am 26 years old what happend to me?

from what I have read from yalls stories is that it has been years of this, I feel like such a wimp since it hasnt even been 6 months for me but I was wondering did anybody else go through this stage?

If so what did you do?

Does the depression last?

How can yall go through this? Do you feel awful when people tell you you are strong? In my mind I think oh my gosh if only people knew how bad I just want to give up. How bad I want to slam my car into a brick wall. NO I am not suicidal...do i feel death is a better option yes yes i do but i would never ever act on it thats not my thing. So no worries about that. I just cant keep those thoughts out of my mind. I feel like I have nothing.

One last thing....I want to get the MVD surgery. I have found a Dr where I live (Houston tx) who treats TN but from my understanding their office has never treated GN. Is it to much of a risk to go to him? I will hopefully go in for a consult in the next two weeks and then they will decide if treatment is what I should do. I already know I am going to be an emotional wreck and I have purple hair so I am afraid they wont take me seriously as it is.

If somebody could respond I want to know if what I feel is normal...i currently have given up on wanting to be a Dr I might settle on being a nurse...I also am trying to walk a couple times a week...I have downloaded several apps on my phone that I can earn a few bucks a week so far I have about 100$ that I will be using for my girls christmas...and I am trying to figure out how to cope with the physical pain and emotional pain. So please help me to not feel alone.

2

You are not alone....never alone here on this website!!! I don't know what it is like to have tn 1 strikes as I have only had one!! It was very intense and I feel for you on that front... I do however know what it is like to have severe ear pain. I have it in BOTH ears. I take Trileptal for it.. It is not as bad as taking Tegretol you still get interruption with cognitive function and I don't do simple math that well anymore. I can still work with a calculator pretty darn good tho!! So not all hope lost.

I do know what it's like to deal with depression too. You have to keep in mind that your little ones NEED you.. in their lives...and would miss you terribly if you left them!!! THAT is a big motivator to FIGHT this TN with everything you have.

That means try to stay positive meditate. If you are with Christ, become closer to HIM. Do everything you can to be at peace with yourself. MVD is a good option for folks who start out with TN1. I do hope that if you decide to proceed with the surgery. . That it goes well for you and you have success!!!

Hang tough and know that we can overcome... I have had this for 9 years and I am not doing to bad. I had to eliminate a drug recently and am hangin in there.

You can do this... you are tough. GOD doesn't give anyone anymore than he knows we can bear. Trust in him. I know its difficult. And I know its frustrating... it can take awhile to find right med and right combinations. Hang in there SingleMomStrong!!!

It was for me at first too.

Sending you lots of love and virtual hugs.

Min

3

No you are not alone! Your story sounds similar to mine, except I'm 20 years older. I've been thru every medication there is, some I got good results, but the side-effects took me down. Right now I'm having good pain relief from Oxcarbazpine, but it is making me stupid and fat - Topomax did the same thing. I eventually stopped it because of the side-effects. Now I'm at that same cross road. From a size 6 to a size 12! And my boyfriend is getting tired of me now retaining what he says to me. If it keeps up, I'm afraid this 6 year relationship may be coming to an end. I'm the one who usually gives attention, not be the center of attention. Of relationship works best with him being the center of attention.

One thing that helped with me ear pain was botox injections in my upper shoulders, neck and lower skull. I also looked into MVD, but after hearing the risks with GN and the doctor not being comfortable with the odds of causing me more damage that good, I finally gave up on the idea.

And last your concern with depression, you have every reason to be depressed and all the things you use to do that are great depression removers you now cannot do... I hear ya... wish I could give you a tip on how to deal with it.... but its a bummer.

I belong to a wonderfu group for occipital neuralgia on Facebook... you'd be surprised at how similar the treatment is. It's a warm wonderful group, that you may find of use. Hang in there.. you have to be your own advocate and tell the doctors what you want to do for treatment, so the more knowledge you have the better and the less alone you may feel

4

Thank you so much for the reply! I dont know what I would do if I didnt have the site. Having the support from others who know and understand how bad this stuff sucks is awesome. People cant quite wrap their mind around it when I say it feels like i have a knife in the side of my head.

Most of the medications I have rediculous side effects and several of them I took several years ago for the treatment of Bipolar. I am on the highest level of the gabapentin honestly it hasnt done antying. I dont have a steady Dr who can help its to much for them and then the whole drug seeker thing. It drives me insane I am young and I do have purple hair but I dont do drugs I hardly drink and I take care of my kids as much as i physically can...my parents and friends have really had to step in and help. I just wish I could find a Dr that can do something for my pain. When I have gone to the ER and they have given me the iv morphineand i still rate the pain at a 6 with no exagerration...i quite literally printed out a "normal" pain scale and a chronic pain chart and I show them.

There is hardly any research I have tried online and books the library my schools database i even asked my kids dr if she had heard of it and she laughed and said that it doesnt happen how on earth did it happen to me. and thats the respone from pretty much everybody.Sorry for all of the typos and mispellings my pain is almost unbareable at the moment and it causes my vision to blur over.

Again thank you for the responses when I got the email notification I went to my moms room like a baby and started crying and I told her that I wasnt alone anymore. I think my mom is suffering more than I am because she knows there is nothing that she can do to help.

Hope you all have a good day!

5

You are welcome. Hang in there, hon. Message me anytime!!! :slight_smile:

6

You are really normal :) Its hard being a single parent, and studying, and having Neuralgia on top of it all. Its really normal to feel like you've lost a part of you, and your future. Anger and depression and can be part of the grieving cycle. The stages don't always happen in order. Its good you've got your mum - hugs are wonderful and they'll keep you going when you need it most. Remember, even though its bad now, you will find the drug, or combination that'll work for you - sometimes it just takes a while. Then you'll start having good days and better days. Keep your stress low, the condition is what it is. Study when you can, make sure if you keep studying to put in for disability recognition for exams and assignments and so on. I'm in Australia, so not sure how it works over there, but can't be that different. I've taken a few leaves of absences, but its always best to knock the pain on the head first and that means accepting the limitations at a given point in time. And with your kids, treasure them, and treasure yourself - you're their universe, even when you get cranky and or have melt downs. And like Min says, we're always here. You will do all the things you want to do, it may just take a while longer that's all.. When you hit bottom, there's only one way left and that's upward :)

7

Well said Smiley, well said indeed!

8

Yes yes yes Smiley…and remember don’t be hard on yourself. …it will take time to adjust…!! :slight_smile: One day at a time…

9

thank you for the awesome responses I wish i would have had the courage to post this before. it really has been wonderful knowing im not alone and that i am...well as normal as i will ever be ha ha. A friend of mine said that it was a grieving process especially since I finally had things going

I was hard on myself before this. Striving for perfection academically, I wanted a better life for my girls. Adjust is right I have had to change so much! I really like for things to be predictable and i like to have plans and schedules and thats what stresses me out about this the most is that i dont seem to have "triggers" and so I cant shove it into a box and control it. that part really bothers me.

But after afew days of not having to take ANY PAIN MEDICINE!!!! I will be having an attack sometime in the next day. Does this happen to anybody else? My taste gets completely off and my neck goes sorta numb. Other times my left foot will drag and thats usually an indicator that I have about an hour to get the girls situated before it gets bad.

Does yalls pain come in cycles or waves? i have noticed that I will go about a month with only having 1-3 days being ok but will spend most of them in just rediculous pain and then all of a sudden its like ill get a break for about a week where its just noticible pain nothing that i cant tolerate.

10

Singlemomstrong,

I, too, seem to have waves of pain for days at a time, and then it settles down for a few days or a week. I'm trying to find the right combination of meds, and once I find them, I'm hoping I will not have so much pain.

Are you taking meds consistently? You mentioned not having to take pain meds all the time; I'm not sure what you mean by pain meds, but I understand that it's important to be consistent with the TN/ GN meds, in order for them to work the best.

As for having an MVD for GN, I'm considering it as well (once I get insurance). I read some good advice on here, though, and that is to find a neurosurgeon who does many a year ... and to ask their success rate. I don't have many options for neurosurgeons here in Maine, so I'll probably go to Boston or even Johns Hopkins, since my family is in Maryland. Or even University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, since they are very familiar with GN. But for now, I can only fantasize about it (fantasizing about brain surgery!!), since I don't have health insurance.

UGH ... This disease really sucks, doesn't it?!!

11

I think that I agree with Beth…if you take an anti seizure med…you can’t just stop taking them…you have to taper off of them. It concerns me when you said your left foot drags…

That may be from stopping a med too quickly? Or something else…

I would maybe have that checked by your neurologist. We do have a doctor list, if you need to look for a new one too.

I think it is important to keep taking the pain meds even if you dont have strikes. I know many people have asked that question before…

I feel better. …should I keep taking it??? It’s a tough call because none of us Like taking the medications…

But they are our only refuge among this war that we fight daily. I hope you can get on some good pain control. You may have to have a combination. Best wishes…hope you are feeling better . :slight_smile:

12

warning...i might sound a bit snippy/rude...no painmeds= crazy monster

I counted it up and today will be 6 months and 4 days since this has started and I have had a total of 38 pain free days.

Pain meds= Vicodin and anything else I am able to come across…

All the meds used to treat neuralgia I have taken before but for my bipolar depression and all that other fun stuff…I don’t take anything specifically for the GN since I don’t have not one dr who is willing to help me.

On Monday I was told by a pain management dr that He couldn’t treat me because my anixiety was to high and that I was high strung and I had no business taking Adderall. LIKE SERIOUSLY I WANTED TO HOP ACROSS THE DESK AND JUST PUNCH HIS FACE…when im not in bed whishing death upon myself or having angry outbursts or antying close to being related to my stupid ear im actually super hyper. Kinda almost to the point of being embarrassing

I am on the state program for insurance I have only had one dr even attempt to help me out pain wise but she also has informed me that she cant write up anymore percriptions.

I tapered off the gabapentin and when I say it’s the best thing I have ever done I mean IT’S THE BEST DECISION I HAVE EVER MADE IN MY WHOLE 26 YEARS OF EXISTANCE.

I was going to school to be a psyc nurse so I know better than to just hop off of medications especially high doses of anti-psychotics or seizure I know them as the other. But I wish I would have taken myself off a long time ago…in 2 weeks I have full function of my memory I have more energy and did I mention I have lost 17 lbs…annnnnnd the big one STILL IN PAIN…STILL DEPRESSED….STILL NOT SLEEPING…

I am meeting with a Neurosurgeon on Monday and my anxiety is therough the roof I keep having big panic attacts. I cant imagine going on for 6 more months this way.

I don’t have a neurologist I have looked at the ones on the list and they don’t take my insurance or they just wont treat me at all. And trust me pain medicine is something I would never not take. If the medicine works then I would take it but all the dang side effects and I still feel awful. I don’t think pain control is an option for me. I know its stupid but I really think they look at my age and say oh you’re a druggie!

I feel like i am getting mentally weaker by the day. I am having so many breakdowns and it seems like not one person cares or understands. awesome now im bawling my eyes out again.

I HOPE YOU ALL ARE WELL

13

i meant to say something about my foot i think it just has to do with the pain. I pass out often especially when it hits me outta nowhere. i know when its about to be bad cause my taste buds then my neck then my foot and depending on how quickly those things happen i have seconds before the bomb goes off in my head or even up to an hour...there isnt anything else wrong with me. besides teh fact that im a crazy mess but once my ear is cleared up ill go back to hiding my crazies

14

Hi SingleMomStrong, I spent 18 months in bed rolled up in a ball taking medications that just knocked the bajabezzes out of me. The pain was so unbearable - I am also bi-polar. I finally got my psychiatrist to work with my neurologist to find medications that complement each other as bi-polar meds and TN meds tend to be the same medications. I also have a liberal supply of Anxiety medication. I can go weeks with out it, then it may be everyday. After my Neurologist was running out of ideas, I hooked up with a Pain Management Specialist. He had a lot more tricks up his sleeve, he got me on a combination of meds that work for me and we are doing Botox injections that have helped me immensely.

My message is sometimes you have to take a break and re-evaluate level of importance, try to get you doctors to work together as a team and be open and willing to try treatments/medications until you stumble on the combination that works for you at least for now. I keep having to change things up as my body get use to a certain medication or dreaded side-effects kick in.

I feel your pain (literally), but don't give up. Take a break if you need to, but don't give up on yourself. You are your own patient advocate,don't leave your doctors guessing what you would like to try. Tell him you are on several forums and you have heard good results from ________________ and would like to try it if he thinks it is appropriate in your case. Knowledge is Power!!

SingleMomStrong said:

warning...i might sound a bit snippy/rude...no painmeds= crazy monster

I counted it up and today will be 6 months and 4 days since this has started and I have had a total of 38 pain free days.

Pain meds= Vicodin and anything else I am able to come across…

All the meds used to treat neuralgia I have taken before but for my bipolar depression and all that other fun stuff…I don’t take anything specifically for the GN since I don’t have not one dr who is willing to help me.

On Monday I was told by a pain management dr that He couldn’t treat me because my anixiety was to high and that I was high strung and I had no business taking Adderall. LIKE SERIOUSLY I WANTED TO HOP ACROSS THE DESK AND JUST PUNCH HIS FACE…when im not in bed whishing death upon myself or having angry outbursts or antying close to being related to my stupid ear im actually super hyper. Kinda almost to the point of being embarrassing

I am on the state program for insurance I have only had one dr even attempt to help me out pain wise but she also has informed me that she cant write up anymore percriptions.

I tapered off the gabapentin and when I say it’s the best thing I have ever done I mean IT’S THE BEST DECISION I HAVE EVER MADE IN MY WHOLE 26 YEARS OF EXISTANCE.

I was going to school to be a psyc nurse so I know better than to just hop off of medications especially high doses of anti-psychotics or seizure I know them as the other. But I wish I would have taken myself off a long time ago…in 2 weeks I have full function of my memory I have more energy and did I mention I have lost 17 lbs…annnnnnd the big one STILL IN PAIN…STILL DEPRESSED….STILL NOT SLEEPING…

I am meeting with a Neurosurgeon on Monday and my anxiety is therough the roof I keep having big panic attacts. I cant imagine going on for 6 more months this way.

I don’t have a neurologist I have looked at the ones on the list and they don’t take my insurance or they just wont treat me at all. And trust me pain medicine is something I would never not take. If the medicine works then I would take it but all the dang side effects and I still feel awful. I don’t think pain control is an option for me. I know its stupid but I really think they look at my age and say oh you’re a druggie!

I feel like i am getting mentally weaker by the day. I am having so many breakdowns and it seems like not one person cares or understands. awesome now im bawling my eyes out again.

I HOPE YOU ALL ARE WELL

15

Oh honey,, I know you don't WANT to take the medication, but it workssssssss......and it Helpsssss!!!! you....I struggled soooooo much in the beginning with having to even TAKE the medication. Just the IDEA!!! of taking MEDICATION!!!!I

I HATED IT!!!!! :-(( But eventually my doctor had a longgg talk with me. and it wasn't my neurologist ...it was my primary care doctor.HE said to me, lots of people take meds..like for diabetes and high blood pressure and that I gotta take meds to keep me between the Ditches... THAT has stuck with me.. He has helped me thru a LOT of stuff ....Trileptal isn't as bad..mind you ...you will forget words and your cognitive function goes away. But its a trade offf. You Gotta get RID of the PAIN ... if you don't control it...IT will snowball OUT of control and FEED on ITSELF....

I KNOW it stinks and it makes for one heck of an existence...believe me, we all DO. But we are ALL here in this together. AND we live pretty good lives.. Not the Same as they were. But different and find other ways to contribute to society.

I know it's probably NOT what you want to hear. But that pain will eat you up. You gotta take care of yourself. Find a good doc that has treated many patients with TN.

That way You know he knows what's goin on. I really wish for better days for you. I know in time...things will get better for you.. You just need to give yourself time , take many deep breaths and know that we're here for you.

I hope that all goes well on Monday for you with the Neurosurgeon. Hopefully he will give you some promising news. :) Let us know how it goes. .

16

Well said Min, I see that Min and my suggestions are a bit different - mine is assuming that you have more than one doctor to work with. I might make a suggestion that you print out your post, mine and Min's. Show your doctor that you are trying to balance school while dealing with this horrific pain. Perhaps your doctor will see that you are not a drug seeker, but are trying to maintain some sort of functionality while going to school. For me, anxiety medications, used spiraling help get your mind back to reality rather than everything tumbling down around you. Trileptal was a wonderful pain control drug for me, but the side-effects, both cognitive and physical (It dried out my system from immediate constipation to my vision was blurred out past the point of being able to read or drive safely) and this was on the lowest dose possible. So I went back to Tegretol and they added Pamelor (Nortryptline) which are working for me now.

I just like Min have been dealing with this condition for MANY years and you do have to lay out your priorities. With this condition, your life will never be the same, the likelihood of you getting back to pain-free, able to do anything without causing pain is not all that probable. My doctor had a long talk with me about that and I did have to make changes in my physical and mental expectations. With that said, I have found many things that make me happy, that I can do within my limitations, one is being a moderator on this site and active on several other forums... helping others is a biggie for me. I can't go over and help someone paint their house or move furniture, but I can help this way. I travel and visit family and I volunteer with the Humane Society taking care of a colony of feral cats. They understand if I just can't make it on my assigned days and will have someone fill in for me, but what I have found is taking care of those cats brings me so much joy that it gives me something to get out of bed for and that is something I couldn't do a year ago.

I'm not going to continue on, but hopefully you get my point and what I said is "what works for me" you may find something totally different; but stick with what "works" for you and try to accept that, it does relieve a lot of that mental pressure which "for me" helped reduce my pain level.

Take care and keep posting, it's also a great way to get some relief - You Are Not Alone!!. Gail

17

I wish what yall have said could help me....i keep going through and reading yalls words and posts and i just dont see any hope at all...i am quite literally locked in my room bawling my eyes out.

At this point I dont have a Dr. .

My psychiatrist says it is out of his league....and if he adjusts anything he wants me back in a month and each visit is 120 my bank account right now is -100.

My regular dr says she cant do anything since its a brain thing

Neurologist says she cant treat me...the other ones arent accepting patients right now.

I have state insurance...I have absolutly no money. I cant afford to just go around to drs.

I am also allergic to trileptal and a lot of those others...gabapentin with all the side effects it did nothing for my pain at all. the other medications i have mentioned the drs tell me they arent of any use.

I am sooo sick of complaining about being broke and I know i seem so negative but i promise I am not.

I just dont know what to do and I am so scared. I am terrified.

Before I started college I was such a screw up! When i was a teen they told my mom i wouldnt even make it to graduation. I have been through so many battles...i cant tell you how many times i just laid in the bathroom floor wishing i could just die. BUT I FOUGHT THROUGH ALL OF IT...i have overcome soo much...i had a plan i was finally going to do something. this year was supposed to be my year that i didnt slip back into old habits i wasnt going to loose control with drinking...i wasnt going to go on a crash diet...i wasnt going to be the total screw up that i have always been. Everybody has a past I am so beyond lucky that i never got into legal trouble, never been arrested, I DIDNT GIVE UP ON MYSELF I finally saw what everybody else did, That i am a strong person, i am border line freaking crazy but thats what was soo beautful about me, i was unashamed of it all I stood up for people i was bold i saw the good in everything bad, I had a purpose, i had reason, i finally forgave myself, i had a mission, and now i just have nothing. If i knew how to give up I would,

I am just empty, i feel lifeless, if it didnt feel like there was a knife in the side of my head i would probably think i was dead right now.

oh another thing...I havent had any pain meds in i think a week now, my pain has been the same as it was/has been, my body i know has built up a tolerance to the pain, what if i dont have the geniculate neuralgia...is that possible? That was such a stupid question ha ha....i just took a few moments and looked out of my window on this beautiful day my yellow walls making the sun shine brighter...

I know I sound crazy, and emotionally unstable, and rude, negative, sometimes i probably come off as i think I know it all, nuts for bouncing back and fourth between I am quitting i hate life im giving up to no I am done crying I am going to fight through this. I cant thank yall enough for reading and responding. I really have nobody but myself it doesnt feel like anybody is in my corner backing me up.

18

Patience…and the right doctor can make a difference. I am sorry your neurogolist wasn’t willing to work with you…any longer…

I hope things work out better for you with the Neurosurgeon. .good luck tomorrow.

19

Ok. You're broke and you don't have a doctor. It also sounds like your stress levels are going through the roof and you're getting into a tail spin. I know this is going to sound really trite and may even annoy you, but stop. Go find a spot in the sunshine, inside or out and just sit still. When my brain gets in panic mode and you start spiralling, you need to break the spiral. Best way I've found is to sit somewhere pleasant, a bit of sun or warmth, no music, no talking - sit quietly, close your eyes - breath in - think sunshine - breath out. Breath in and think sunshine - breath out slowly and think sunshine. Keep doing this until you've stopped and you're calm again. If you can't sleep, do the same thing. Your goal for the next forty eight hours is to have as many islands of calm as you can get. You need to find your self again, for you and for your kids. Its ok to cry and to spin out - for a while. Now its time to give yourself a break from all the what ifs and problems for two days. You will find a doctor and a neuro and you'll get help for pain. It may not be today. But you need to give yourself a rest and you need to do that regularly. You are strong, and you'll be stronger if you're kind to yourself and give yourself a bit peace and rest from your fears and expectations. You're not a fruit loop, you're someone in pain, who's feeling freaked out by it all. Not pleasant, but understandable. You are a dear sweet woman with a full plate who will prevail and get there. Give yourself two days off - maybe not from the pain, but from everything else. Hugs and empathy coming your way xx

20

Soooo I wanted to post while I am still "high on happiness"

the appointment with the neurosurgeons office couldnt have gone better!

After almost passing out in the waiting room from anxiety the most wonderful ladies in the office found a way to get me seen (insurance issue)

I met with the PA and she just confirmed every thing i have said and my worries and just really really did an awesome job making me feel ok!

She agreed that taking medication to help with the neuralgia wasn't a good idea. she did say that i had to take something for the anxiety (i was concerned about being dismissed and judged) So i have an appointment with my regular dr to get the anxiety taken care of.

After going over side effects and talking about what helps and what doesnt she said she doesnt think it would benefit me to take pain pills. I knew i wasnt crazy when i said they didnt work that it just took the edge off and thats where she said that the anxiety medicine would step in and take the edge off.

I was terrified that they were going to put me on something. from what i have read it always says that the benefits outweigh the negative and for me that just wasnt the case.

I know i wig out a whole lot but again thats where i always had exercise to distract me BUT i swear my anxiety started when my mom was in labor its something that I can handle. but the foggy mind and then horrid thoughts i cant deal with it. depression is a serious weakness for me and i would rather feel the pain than have the hopelesness feeling.

they are going to meet tomorrow to discuess my case...their office has never treated this but they still want to check me out....on wednesday i should be getting a call about the next appointment.

I CANT THANK EACH ONE OF YOU ENOUGH! I do hope i dont cause anybody to worry b/c at the end of the day i dont quit and failing is not an option.

I am not so out of touch with reality though as to think that THIS IS GOING TO GO PERFECT...i am finally accepting the fact that i cant make plans with this. But just knowing that I had a dr look past my tears and anxiety and actually listened to me it was just a relief. She also told me that if they end up not being able to help that they will help us find a surgeon :) I am not even going to think about it not working untill i am fully medicated for anxiety ha ha So hopefully ill be able to maintain this attitude i had an attack today it started at noon and its been just awful but im still managing to stay positive...so thanks all for listening again :)