Ive been reading discussions here for over a year now and have noticed that threaded through most of our writings is a mostly unspoken depression. That’s completely understandable as this is a condition which breeds anxiety and desperation. I am 65, a proud strong person, a problem solver, a helper, the one to turn too. I recognise myself in the people who reach out to hurting people here and, like many of you, I’ve successfully overcome many hurdles in my life. But 15 years of unremitting pain from TN and AD have left me hollow, I can’t do what I want to do for others and therefore no longer look forward to life.
I think what I’m asking here is this: How do you allow yourself to ask for, and receive, help when it is against your very nature, and lifelong pattern, to do so? It’s very, very hard for me to be the needy one.
Hi ML,
It is hard to ask especially as it's not within your nature to ask and it's your pattern of behaviour. I'm the same way and I struggle with the same thing. However, I have learnt that I'm not Superwoman and sometimes I just need to ask and if help can be given then that's great. I ask for specific things for example, I'll ask my daughter to cook dinner or I'll ask if someone can get my shopping for me - specific things - that way I don't feel like I'm imposing on anyone for any length of time. That helps me. Hope this helps.
I know in time of grief - the best thing can be - make a list of the things you need help with -- and ask individuals if they can pick 2 things off your list of 6 etc.
That way they can figure out what is easier for them to do....If somebody asked me to scrub their bathtub - I cannot, because of my back -- but I could do grocery shopping or cooking....
http://www.livingwithtn.org/forum/topics/the-spoon-theory-link-repost-a-must-read
I too have been a life long giver to family, friends - volunteer - but when I couldn't do it - I turned inward and started to try little things for me - that kept my soul burning ---eg: books on tape, herb garden in kitchen, whatever you wish and can do with your time.
I hope these help!
Keep Posting!
Amen ML! Depressed with no hope!
Yes,we are probably all every one dealing with the why me and some other type of depression.This crap we deal with is just hard.And only the very closest to us realize it if we're even lucky enough for that.But there is hope.I myself am pain free after Gamma knife.I know the problem is still lurking and i have a AVM that could cause a stroke at any time.But i enjoy every day now without pain.If it comes back,i'll try the PNS or other tactics and procedures.We all just have to push on through and find some happiness where we can and whenever we can.Praying for us all.
ML,
Just over a year or so ago I wrote the following…
http://www.livingwithtn.org/forum/topics/living-with-tn-and-the-emo…
I , like you, am/ was a very independent “strong” woman, the person everyone else comes too for advice etc…all of a sudden when my TN came out of remission and became med resistant, and a horrid case of vertigo ( from the tegretol) I couldn’t do anything but sit in a chair spinning and in pain…
No more work, no more driving, no grocery shopping, bye bye independence etc etc.
I had to rely on everyone else for almost everything. I had no choice.
As the vertigo resolved I still needed help due to the meds and constant high levels of pain and had to let go of my so called pride…
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s still very hard for me to be the “needy one” but guess what… I AM the Needy One!!
I hate that I am, but I have no control …the TN has control, I realized, “having control” is an illusion…
Just as it gives me great pleasure to help someone when I can, it also gives others that same feeling to help me.
Most people close to us feel helpless, seeing us in such pain. Being able to help me in small and big ways helps them feel like they are doing something other than watching me suffer.
It’s still hard for me to ask and accept help, but I’m learning to accept it more graciously.
You will too…ask and accept help not just for you, but for those close to you who feel helpless.
(((( hugs )))) Mimi
Even in our darkest times there is always HOPE. Believe it!
I want to reach all the way from Australia and hug you all!! I live alone so at least no one sees me cry, or scream in pain or wail "Oh, woe is me." The downside of that is that no one sees me cry.
Catwoman,
Please don't be invisable, come to us with your grief and pain. We may not be able to ease your pain but we can ease your grief by listening.
Ann