I know you all feel the same, and have heard it so many times, but I feel so helpless and hopeless right now.
Today just topped it. I was having a pretty good day, no pain, getting things done. My dad has just had knee replacement surgery and he and mom were leaving to go to a doctor's appt for him. He left on the table some peanut M & M's, my favorite. I know that one of my triggers is chewing. But I thought to myself "If I just have 4 I won't have a problem." 20 minutes letter, I was screaming in agony. I ran for my pain meds, which take a while to work. Laid down.
Phone rings..... it is my daughter. "Mom, you need to come get me. Kayla can't take me to dance." I am crying, the tears leaving trails that are added agony. Opening my mouth to talk is like kicking my teeth. I call me mom, they are still waiting for the doctor. I go down my list of emergency contacts and no one answers. NO ONE. I am out of my mind with pain. But what do you do? My daughter can't even walk home because we live 10 miles from her school.
I grab my phone, purse, and jet out the door, hanging on to the railing because standing causes spots to appear before my eyes. I get in the car, drive down the gravel road, wincing, crying, screaming at times and drive to the school. We sat for a few minutes as waves of pain proceed to lash at me. She is crying now. "Mommy, I love you. Please don't cry." I drop her at the studio which is closer than my house and sit in the parking lot. The studio owner comes out and helps me to her office, turns the light off, and closes the door. I rest. When the worst is over, I come out where one of the mothers offers to bring my daughter home.
Slowly I drive home. Wiped out, exhausted, crying now because this CAN'T be the rest of my life. I feel trapped.
I am going to have to come up with a better plan for my daughter. Normally my parents would do this, but they could not. My mom was crying on the other line begging me not to drive. But it was already 10 minutes after school was out and my daughter could not wait there for an hour.
I called around and found a taxi services which runs background checks on their drivers. So next time, if all else fails, I will do this. I just can't think when I am like that. I mean to the point that when I left the house, I did not close the dogs up and left the tv on. So I came home to dog poo everywhere and a dog with a nose that is sliced open from the cat.
I know that I am still adjusting my medication so this likely will become more controlled. God, I hope so.
How do we do this? How do we live normal lives? How am I going to be able to practice law --- How can I be responsible for others lives, like I am, when this is so deabilitating and you don't know when it is going to strike? I am so scared right now.