Anxiety depression as self defense mechanism

After feeling pain for enough years it has worn my personality out. I cannot focus off the draining of my self that everyday is taken. After medications at high doses just produce side affects and barely touch the constant reminder that is my trigeminal nerve, I see depression and anxiety not as my personality, but as entity's I do not recognize but can clearly see

I am still myself but with an extra layer of guilt that surrounds me, not being able to act completely myself but just yell inside of my electric skull barrier trying to escape but no cavalry is coming. I fear I will become what everyone sees me as, not knowing I'm still inside, just looking from afar at the first thing I see. That constant ache that has robbed me of thinking clearly.

I wonder if any of you who feel similarly to me, can see substance p and its friends that accompany it, not as personality traits, but as excessive emotions. Thoughts still intact, even though our bodys are a little less enthusiastic about demonstrating it.

Whether on remission or the day of a cure, a symptom free day is owed to us. I'm sure it will be. In the mean time, thanks for being part of the facial pain group. I wish none of us had this but I have felt much better reading similar thoughts. It has given me a little energy to give away.

Its not like its going to kill us =p

Wow, very deep and thought provoking --

Have you ever tried a topical prescription like lidocaine???

It can make hell very bearable by putting those electric nerves to sleep for a few hours.....!

Keep Posting!

I hear you, Thermotronica. Chronic pain experienced over a number of years changes the brain, that’s a scientific fact as well as an emotional fact. Pain is the 6th Vital Sign and I think it could be thought of as the the true 6th sense after the usual five. I have been altered, that’s for sure. My basic personality traits are still intact as well, but some days it takes a hell of a lot to assemble any of it. Old friends bring out the best. Or the couple of hours a day I can do some work. Sometimes even the simple joy of being able to do housework on a good day is unbelievable. I still have trouble not riding away on all those good moments just a little bit too far and to hard, even when all the alarm bells are internally telling me to back off…also an old personality trait:)

kcDancer, I believe you had your successful MVD after a year and truly value you coming on here all the time and your advice, especially advocating for those who need to challenge their doctors. But not all of us can have the MVD right away or even in the near future if at all, for various reasons, and in that case, when the pain has been intractable for so long, it goes deeper into us than a lidocaine patch can ever reach.

This site has been invaluable for me this winter as well. I am so moved by all the stories I read and all the goodness that rushing forth in response.

Nighty-night
Bellalarke

Thanks. I'm going to ask my new neurologist about licodaine tomorrow. it does feel like a 6th ssense! I wish I could get MVD but its not my cure, I have demylienation. Thanks for the comments

Well put. I also think our meds exaggerate our emotions and feelings. they make me too.... Too teary, too tired, to emotional........ You get the picture?


Hi, YOur words really touched my heart. I feel the same. I wonder where I am. As this person I have become is not me. The medication changes you and the constant pain or fear of pain makes you on edge all the time. I feel its like having post traumatic stress, but its not 'post' its current. I explained to someone yesterday, Imagine your followed every where you go by a man with an ice pick and a tazer gun and you never know when he's going to stick you. It tends to leave you a bit on edge.

I had some lidocaine patches and they did nothing at all. The outside of my skin was numb but it doesn't get deep enough to help. Good luck xxx Thanks again for your words. x
thermotronica said:

Thanks. I'm going to ask my new neurologist about licodaine tomorrow. it does feel like a 6th ssense! I wish I could get MVD but its not my cure, I have demylienation. Thanks for the comments

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Yes, so much so that I had a dream I was my old self, running, driving to pick up my grand kids, substitute teaching, ect. I woke up upset. My subconscious made me recognize that everything I am doing or not doing now is a result of this disease. I would have cried but my husband woke up trying to console me , pleading, “Do not cry you will hurt your face.” Really!! But it was true. So I think we stuff down emotion to keep from spiraling…

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Dear Thermotronica

If it helps, you are not alone in how you feel.

Janice

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Thermotronica:

How did your neuro visit go today?????

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It didn't go very well. I got really frustrated. He asked an hours worth of questions and then I got the ol' nothings wrong with you. "Your symptoms aren't consistent with any illnesses." I forgot to even mention the licodaine. Thanks for asking I was really down. How do you feel today??

good here - haven't had to wear lidocaine cream in a week....trying to find myself again Pre-TN, starting over with new job that has meaning.... that's all I was striving for... one goal at a time to rebuild my Post op life

What part of the country are you in?

Have you looked at the preferred doctors on the tab above?

I realllllly get fed up with doctor stories on here --

Why a new Neuro?--- did they already have patients that have TN? Can you drive out of your area for treatment?

And My stupid laptop won't let me hit the chat button!!!

What supports do you have - people - pets????

I live in southern california. Good idea I'll check. Never clicked that tab before. Never got along with a doctor, but at least they can't deny me carbamazepine. I usually get nervous when they start looking at me like a lying junkie, so I guess its my fault I forgot to ask. Glad to hear about your job and your licodainless week. I have family that tries to understand but they mostly think its for attention or something. I don't know what's so hard to believe. And thank god for this stupid "simply noise" app. I'm going to try again soon though I need to get back on my feet.

This is THE place to bitch and moan and cry and grieve and laugh -- these people are awesome -- I'm down to 2% TN symptoms - and I still hang around -- LOL

Under the groups tab, you might find a local support group under the Regional Support Groups link

-- or you can find a group by interest on this site

like groups for humor, depression, medications, movie lovers, eye pain group, pet lovers , etc --- too many topic-specific groups to count!!! You can join one of these groups or just lurk and read them!

We don't live one day at a time -- we have to take each hour as it comes

it seems on here

: )

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Hi Thermotronica,
I am sad that your having such a tough time, i know sweetie its not fun at all. I just recentlu saw a video by Dr Ken Casey , ne taks abot the brain forever being changed with folks likemus who live in chronic pain. It so true when people say , " ia m not the same person anymore" , its absoulutely true. Ct scans or brain MRI’s have shown changes in certain areas of the brain forever changed by chronic pain. No your not crazy, no your not drug seeking. You are experiencing pain that is beyond what any other person can imagine if they themselves dont have TN. I told my neurosurgeon, the pain to me is so intense, I personally can tell you that all 8 back surgeries combined with brachial plexus surgery pain do not top this. Believe me those surgeries which included 5" rods and screws were so intense you could not even turn your body in the bed. I did this 4 times. Brachial plexus had rib removed that was excrutiaitng pain. All of these do not and I mean do not come close to TN pain. Do not be hard on yourself sweetie it is real and hopefully some day they will find a cure. I hate to see such young people as yourself suffering with such a monster. You have us here to listen . Sometimes the meds can make us loopy too with its own set of side effects. Question do you have a good doctor, there are lists of doctors here you can check out for your area. Keep trying I know thats easy to say, Alot of us om this website took,us many tries dentists, ENT, doctors to,get to the right one who is ready and willing to help. I started with my pain 25 years ago went one year in excrutiating pAin , no answer. Went into remission until 2009 when it returned. Took,me another 3 years to get help. So many physicians may never even see a TN in there practice, thats why youmfind ones that are not familiar with the disease. I have a great GP, great dentist all communicating on the same page. If your not happy with your doctor keep trying to you get the one who LISTENS and HEARS you! Keep posting even if you want someone to listen
My Best to you
Joanne

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Our pain changes who we are. I try to tell myself not to let the pain define who I am, but sometimes it overpowers what I want & takes over:(

Coming here, to a place that you don’t feel so alone helps.

On the lidocaine note, I have horrible rebound pain. Whenever I try to topically quiet down the nerve, it wakes up louder than before. Tegretol/Baclofen are my saving grace with hydro needed for bad days.

Pain free days sent your way!

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Tried nortipyline, just side effects for me. Cymbalta sounds promising. Time makes no sense I know what you mean. Thats an intense description of your pain shindig. And tat, 25 years has made you wise. Jabjaw, I had a good day, low nausea. Pain free days to all

Just moved from Miami to Carlsbad. good luck on surgery decisions. I've been trying to see if lyrica or cymbalta are right for me. I stopped using my meds from drowsiness already but that was an awful idea. Especially because it takes so much time to build up. Smiling and sound start to jab me immediately. I will defiantly see if "cymbalta may be right for me". MM also sounds very promising

I’m so sorry you did not get what what you need from your appointment. I really get how tough it is to put yourself together after a frustrating one, especially when you get dismissed like that. And when you don’t present with nice clear symptoms like Classic TN. There is a flood of despair. Don’t give up looking for a new neurologist. I had to try a different approach with my second neurologist.



In fact had to go through a lot of doctors and a lot of tests, 2 cat scans, gamma camera scan, barium swallow, you name it, take an elephant- load of antibiotics before I put my foot down. I saw two doctors at a pain clinic (ENT and anaesthetist) and endue trigger point therapy from a needle jock who sternly advised me not to go the drug route and tried to sell me Botox treatments at $600.00 every two months for the rest of my life. But I still did not have a satisfactory diagnosis although there was suspicion at this point that I had something like TN but that was not made clear to me - a lot of other fuzzy words were used, like C-6 neuropathy of unknown origin. I went searching down that road. I did not hear the word trigeminal from anyone. It was not used on my report from him. I lost over 20 pounds in six months. My GP finally started me on carbamazepine and that drug made me feel like I was living in a cape of death. I stopped after a week. It took a long time to shake that feeling. Pain, especially late in the day and evening, and other symptoms were increasing and I began to think that I was not living a viable life.



Until then I had been trying to keep up with my work which required a lot of research and it was exhausting me so I had not done a lot of looking around on the Internet for other possibilities. But I realized at this point that I was going to have to diagnose myself. That’s when I came up with glossopharyngeal neuralgia, because of the throat and ear connection. My GP came up with the same diagnosis the same week after talking to an internist about me. At that point she prescribed tramadol, booked an MRI and finally referred me to a neurologist.



I live in Canada and they will give you just about every test to make sure you’re not dying of something right away, but after that the system works at a snail’s pace. Anyway, the tramadol didn’t take away the pain but it let me endure it. When I finally got to the neurologist, I knew the minute I saw him that the appointment was going to be a dead end. I read aloud from 10 pages of pain words, description, and a history. He listened silently, grimly did the standard neurological exam, and then asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell him. I hunched over, put fists to my face and said through a clenched jaw, “I feel like my teeth are being strangled”. And sure enough he dismissed GPN, called me poor sad woman with fibromyalgia because of my “plethora of symptoms”, and prescribed Cymbalta. I was shattered. The MRI came back “normal”. By this time, a year and a half after the first symptoms appeared, waking me up in the middle of the night with deep piercing/pulsing ear pain, people who didn’t know me well were looking at me suspiciously, because by then, I was looking like a poor sad woman and every night it seemed like I was on fire in my own private head-burning hell. I didn’t know what to say to anyone. I tried cymbalta and that combined with only a little tramadol flipped me into serotonin toxicity. I wanted to die - and I could have.



That’s when my GP decided that I needed to see someone who was not your run-of-the- mill garden variety neurologist. Her clinic found me someone in Vancouver (I live on a small island off Vancouver Island). I knew by then that I had to make the most of this appointment. I found images on a bookmark (of all things!) that depicted a series of fireworks and streaking shots in different colours and sizes which I thought neatly summed things up. So, as per usual, at the appointment with my second neurologist I gave the history, read from my growing list of pain words, and she asked the standard question, “on a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your pain”. I spontaneously threw down my papers, leaned across her desk and said, “what the hell does that mean anyway?” She quickly quipped, “yeah, right”. I breathed a sigh of relief and knew I could work with this woman. Then I gave her the bookmark with the images. “Oh,” she said. “You understand patterns.” We started drawing patterns together until we came up with a couple that we were satisfied that we both understood. I was flooded with relief. She ordered another MRI, FLAIR protocol. It came back positive for contact of superior cerebellar artery and Trigeminal nerve. She was gleeful when I came back in, “it’s touching in several places!” She said looking at the screen. Then looked at me and put on a straight face, “not so good for you. But it can fixed!” She referred me to a neurosurgeon at the University of British Columbia and started me on gabapentin. This was well over a year ago. I am still waiting to see him.



In the meantime I have been to the Vancouver Pain Clinic in agony. There I was diagnosed with atypical glossopharyngeal neuralgia was well as TN2. The feeling of vindication was almost overwhelming. When I was talking this over with my GP I mused about perhaps using the wrong descriptions with the first neurologist. She raised her eyebrows and said, “he should have been able to diagnose you even if your were retarded (in the medical sense)”.



If you got through this long winded narrative I hope you can take away the hope that you will find a neurologist, or someone, who will see how to treat you, even though your symptoms don’t fit. As my endocrinologist said to me, "these things sometimes take a long time to manifest into something we are positive about. Be sure to document everything."



I really hope the next neurologist you find will be the one to put it all together.



Peace and Kindness

Bellalarke

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Wow what a story. I didn't know the system could take so long! Luckily I have seen enough specialists to know they are trying and applying all they know. Im going to go back with a paper all ready to go, one I have summerized. He wants to perform a nerve block and try a neuro stimulator. Scary but if I see improvement ill consider it. I swear I know more about my face nerves than it looks like they do. I just saw a recommended doctor on the doctors tab. I think he's repertoire will follow him and he could relate

Thanks for reading. That’s the abbreviated version and it continues. For me the trick has been to gain control of my own story in this and learn enough to know how to tell it with effect. It’s also important to have some kind of rapport with the doctor. Consider making little diagrams or drawings, anything that enhances your chances of success. Your knowledge is your ticket!

BTW, I also am always hiding from sound. It’s the most elusive thing in the world to get away from.

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