Trying, but not doing well at the moment

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I am one who tries to not let thing get me down. I am known as the happy, go lucky lady, with the crazy sense of humor. I was just telling my partner, I find my humor to be my best coping skill. For the most part, I just try to tell myself, the TN is what it is, and not dwell on what I have lost because of it.

Today, I am not doing well with the thinking, it is what it is. I spent two hours at the ER at OHSU this morning, due to a TN attack that was made worse by a sinus migraine. Got home around 8am, and went back to bed. I woke up, and have been thinking of something. I come from a family of rail fans. I joke if you cut me, I will bleed bearing grease. My mom, who is now 75 remembers taking trips from the Midwest, to the Northeastern United States to see family, at the time steam locomotives were being replaced by diesel locomotives. My aunt met her husband on a vintage train trip. I know they have been married 45 years, as at age 6, I was the flower girl in their wedding My profile picture is of the Southern Pacific Daylight 4449. She is the last of her make in the world to survive, and not only survive, but run. The Daylight is often listed in Classic Locomotive Books due to her high speed, and her beautiful art deco skirting.

Here is where I get sad. I was going to apply to get on the 4449 maintenance crew. I do not mind getting dirt, and grease under my nails, nor do I mind working with a group of crusty, retired rail road workers. Shoot, was in the US Navy for 6 years, I would feel right at home. Thing is though, when I went down to the engine house, Friday to see how the boiler rebuild was progressing, I was reminded the engine house is too windy for me to be there long. Oh it was fun to stick my head in the steam box, and see the guts of the locomotive, and then to go out and the see the 1941 Union Pacific Caboose, but my face let me know it was just going to be nice for just so long, and let me know it was time to go home. Oh, well. I guess some time is better than no time.

The following is the link to the Friends of SP 4449 website. Check it out. She was also in the movie, Tough Guys with Kirk Douglass, and Burt Lancaster. Funny scenes of her in that movie, though I do not recommend high jacking a 110 foot steam locomotive.

Www.4449.com

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Hi,
Some days are so difficult that no usual plan helps right? You sure had a rough day and I can appreciate just letting your mind drift to stoking that engine. What lovely stories! Is there a non windy job for you with this locomotive? Why not do it?

I hope your flair passes quickly and I look forward to your humor here soon.
Take care.
Jean Marie

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Is there a story you could write, a short story, and send to an railroad magazine. Google an RR magazine and those who subscribe to the magazine would love trains and love your story. Or an essay. An essay is like a painting, a fond description;a short story tells an event which could be a last chance lost or a last chance won. If you need more help, I am a writer. Email me at ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ Good luck!

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With 4449 going through her boiler rebuild, she has to be in a well ventilated place, due to the chemicals used on her. I have worked on her being a Santa's helper when she pulled the Holiday Express rides. The engine house is new, and once the office is built, I am sure they will have a place where I could work. Right now the money is going towards paying off the property loan, and then installing the old roundhouse round table, as it will make it easier to get the locomotives turned around. Now, they have to go way out of their way to find track with a wide enough curve.

I know in the long run, I will be fine. It is just when things are bad enough I go to the ER, it is really bad. Thankfully those days do not come often. We have had some really bad weather here, and I think that is what has been setting it off.

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I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time. I think it is easy to get discouraged when you try doing something to raise your spirits in spite of this beast, only to find that TN has taken that pleasure away as well. I can only offer you the company of others in the same boat, and know that you will find a sympathetic ear here. I hope for better days for you…
mrl

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I live close enough to Portland Union Train station, I can often hear the train whistles. It takes me to my happy place. I have even learned to tell the difference between a steam locomotive, and a diesel train whistle. It is slight, but there is one.

I know all will be fine in the long run. Today I just had a big case of whine, with my cheese. ;)

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So sorry you are having a bad time of it right now. I truly understand the feeling of loss that TN thrusts upon us. I decided I need to do something to get my stamina back up and went for a 25 minute walk today..... only to be reminded very quickly why I just stay in the house 99% of the time. Hope this flare passes quickly for you.

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I'm glad you got to enjoy your day with the train. My great uncle used to drive trains in Minnesota. When I was tiny, he took me for a very short ride in the engine... it impressed me greatly! Of course, I may be misremembering, I was only 4... but he took me for a ride in something train-related and he was steering. Trains are a fascinating part of our history. I'm sorry TN has stolen so much, but take back what you can. We're all tougher than we look. We have to be to deal with TN. :)

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I am so sorry you are going through this "down" time. I understand completely how you feel. I am also going through the grieving period of leaving the lifestyle I once knew and gaining control of my life as it is now. It is extremely difficult. I have had to seek help for this but am confident that this too shall pass and I will see all the "new" with a more positive attitude. Please hang in there and continue to see your glass half FULL!

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Hi,

I also use humor to deal with all my ailments. The TN has been so difficult for me to do this. Sometimes I even let myself cry. Is is also an outlet. I just do not want to go into a negative mode. All of this is very challenging. Thanks for sharing. I hate that you are suffering, but am glad to know you have a sense of humor. I enjoyed your story. If you it makes you feel better, even though I got a little teary-eyed, I felt better. Linda

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Loll, I can totally relate to what you are saying. It is hard to come to grips with the new reality. I have had 18 1/2 years to do it, and even now I still struggle at times. Thing is when I step back, and quietly think I realize I am blessed. When it comes to my love of trains I am blessed to live where I do. Most rail museums do not have running steam locomotives due to the large amounts of money to keep them up. Here in Portland, we have two, with one, hopefully up and running, for the first time in 60 years, in a year or two. We also have in house, a 1945 diesel locomotive. It took 11 years of work, but she will be making her way to a rail museum in the Midwest soon. She has been such a fixture around the engine house, a lot of us will miss her.

I have learned, that in finding my new normal, it does not mean I have to give up on what I love. I am reading a book right now called, Train, by Tom Zollner. In it he talks about riding 8 of the world's most famous train lines. Who would have thought on average the trains in India, hit, and kill wild elephants that are on the tracks, 3 times a year. Not a rail safety issue we think of here in the United States. His description of the Trans Siberian railroad is such that it makes it seem you are there, or in most cases glad you are not there. I do not want to give the book away. I also found a old video of the early days of the Southern Pacific Daylight train service, which started in 1931. These are just ways I try to stay engaged in the hobby I love, even when I am homebound.

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Linreed, I woke crying yesterday, and that was when I knew I had reached my limit with the pain, and it was time to go to the ER. The emotion I most deal with when it comes to my TN is anger. How do you fight something you can not see? If TN were a person, I think I would go to jail for assault. Instead, I try to find my happiness where I can, drop F bombs, when things are really bad, and above all else keep my sense of humor.

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Hi Saraidern, That is funny about the F bombs. Another thing I do today that I did not used to do is cuss more. If it makes me feel better and does not hurt anyone, I just do it. Linda

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Linreed, You are not alone when it comes to swearing. I even flipped off my head, yesterday. A total symbolic gesture, but it felt good.

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TN has taken so much of my life and the things I enjoy. I just returned from a vacation on the ocean and most of the time I was in the room. The wind was really blowing on the beach and it made it hard to be out in it. When I went out I put a sweatshirt with a hood on to try to block the wind but it did not take it completely away. My husband went out for a boat trip and I wasn't able to go. My favorite thing in the world to do is be on the beach or the ocean. I can't do any of the things I love anymore. I try to be positive and tell myself to suck it up and do it. When I try to do it I sometimes put myself in so much pain it is not worth it. We weren't able to even go out to dinner because of my fear of an attack. When I am in a strange place and go into a TN attack it is unbearable. It seems as if now I am having panic attacks every time I leave the house because I am so afraid of the pain. The scary thing is you never know when it is going to happen. I am so grateful for good days when I can feel like myself again I try to forget about how bad it is. I Pray and take every good day when it comes and try to stay positive. Hang in there! I hope tomorrow is better for you

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I'm sorry you don't get to be on the maintainence crew, but you have memories of it nobody else has! I am so GLAD you shared. How exciting that must have been!

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Lee, I am sorry your trip to the ocean did not work as you would have hoped. Personally, I think panic attacks are a common part of TN. I know when I had my first major relapse in 2005, I did not leave the house, except to run to the grocery store, for 3 months, I was so afraid of attacks. That, and I was also badly depressed over the fact I was dealing with the TN again. I do not take medication for the panic attacks, but I was given some coping skills. Last year, I took the Amtrak Empire Builder from Portland, OR to Chicago, IL. When we hit the mountains in Montana, the higher elevation, which was totally unexpected, really set my TN off. When the train went around the south side of Glacier National Park, I pictured throwing my TN off the highest peaks. That, and I remembered to breath, as I find when hit with attacks I tend to hold my breath.

Is there something you can do, that can keep you a part of the oceans, and beaches you love, without setting off the TN? I know for me, I am reading the book, Train by Tom Zollner, which is a amazing look at 8 of the worlds most well known train lines. I also watched the movie Tough Guys, knowing the Southern Pacific Daylight 4449 was in it. No, not the same as being down at the engine house, but a great TN distraction. I also knit. The worse the attacks, the bigger the knitting project. I told my partner if the TN keeps going the way it is, he is going to end up with a ten foot scarf.

Hang in there. Remember you are not alone in how you feel.

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Annie, I may not be on the maintenance crew, but I will be on the Santa's helper crew, when 4449 pulls the Holiday Express rides come this November. I will be working in 4 vintage rail cars. That way I can be around the locomotive, and bringing smiles to both adults, and kids. This will be my third year doing it.

Come May 10, another of the steam locomotives, The Spokane, Portland, and Seattle 700, will be steamed up, and down at Union Station for our local National Rail Day event. Last year, we had 10,000 people come down to see her. Yes, you read that right. I am going to volunteer to work the waiting line. It was a lot of fun teaching people about her. The funny thing was people were afraid to touch her, mostly out of fear of getting burnt. I made a point of leaning against a steam vent box while I was talking to prove my point that it was safe, that the parts that were hot to the point of being dangerous, were not accessible. I also would slap a fly rod, and say, " If you do not mind getting greasy, we do not mind you touching. There is no way you can hurt a fly rod that weighs a ton." The look a people's faces was priceless.

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I'm so sorry. Coming out of remission now which is hard enough to deal with but my health insurance company is giving me a hard time about filling my script for Lyrica. It's just and excuse to try to get out of paying for it. Not always easy to stay positive.