Help! How do I communicate with my husband?

1

Hi, my name is Johanna. I was diagnosed with ATN in 2008. At the time, my now husband and I were in our 2nd year of dating (married now for 2 years). I was mostly functional with the help of medications, working and still maintaining somewhat of a life.

However, in 2010 things went down the drain, major relapse into pain. Since then, I have been largely unable to work, have been socially isolated due to weather, pain in general and fear of being in pain in places I can't leave quickly.

My husband has been very supportive, attends my doctors appointments, cooks all of our meals (well, he's a better cook and loves it), and is working full-time.

The source of all of our tension is money. Sometimes, things are great, others our relationship seems on the brink of disaster. My immediate family is not helpful at all, despite the fact that they live 2-10 miles away. When we have money are relationship is great, when we don't my husband is stressed, distant and resentful of me & the pain.

I have become fearful of talking with him about money at all. If a bill is due I don't want to tell him as I am worried about how he will react. He's not abusive in anyway but will become quiet, distant, non-affectionate and say hurtful things such as "I don't how much longer I can do this." I have quit talking with him about my pain, I cry when he isn't home and try to stay happy & positive when he is around. I feel so much guilt and truly believe that everything that goes wrong in our lives is my fault. I can't see beyond my guilt.

I have applied for disability and am awaiting my first reply. I house-clean once or so a month for money to bring something into our house in terms of money. I have asked for help from my mom with finances on occasion and she won't help. I finally asked her why as she helps out my sister a lot, who has children, and in the past my brother who is a recovering addict/alcoholic. She told me that if I had kids she would be helping me. One more thing for my husband to resent.

I know that some of you may not be in this exact predicament but if you have mostly held together your marriage or relationship, found a good way to communicate with your partner, etc I would be grateful to hear from you. I really need some help so that I can continue to keep our marriage going.

Thanks for your response. Take care. Johanna

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im married 41 years and illness does cause tension. we have a therapist which helps and i strongly suggest that. illness brings stress. its a normal part of the process.

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Thank you for your replies. I wish there was a magic bullet. Another fight today. I volunteer for the program that I used to work for before I resigned from my job in 2010 (haven't worked since). My husband demanded that I quit volunteering the 2-3 hours a week a try to do as he sees it as I can work those hours and that I don't want to work.

Since I can't reliably go to work, am often not able to volunteer and more I am really pissed. I have picked up some house-cleaning work as it pays well where I live. I explained to him that if I could work a regular job, have an employer that understands I will have to call in sick all of the time, that I would. I don't want to clean toilets for a living but it's the only work I could think of that I could set my hours, find clients that understand my situation and get paid 25$ an hour. Anyways, I might sound ridiculous as I can't write all of it. I see his point of view, but am sad that I have to give up the couple of hours per week that I do something I really enjoy that is intelectually challenging and more. Thanks for your replies. Best. Johanna

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may I ask, if you can socialize. my biggest gripe.

would you consider ebay?

im at marriage crisis point and i really advise therapy.

5

Elaine- I am sorry to hear that your marriage is at crisis. If there is anyway I can help let me know. Perhaps, we share some of the same troubles or perhaps not.

Yes, I can socialize for the most part. I am able to talk with friends on the phone, sometimes go on lunch dates, and have gone out to dinner a couple of times with friends. My husband, talks about wanting to do the same and I have endlessly encouraged him to do so but he doesn't. He is always happy when I am able to go out and see my girlfriends. I am normally a very social person and losing the ability to keep up has been very sad.

I have always seen a therapist in the past but can't afford to right now. We have talked about seeing a therapist togehter if things do start to disintegrate. I am mostly sad as we used to not fight at all and now it seems that we do on a more regular basis; once a month on average and it is always related to money, then related to my illness. I know that on some level my husband understands how difficult it is to have horrible pain all of the time, but I also know that he resents me for staying at home- his perception of what it would be like to not work. I can tell you now that when you have a college degree, had a dream job and then all of sudden can't do it anymore that staying at home is the last thing that I want to do.

In what context do you ask about E-bay? As a source of income? I am curious to know.

Thanks for your reply and have a good evening. I am very grateful for your reply! Johanna