Depressed & Sliding :( a long novel of a post.. Sorry!

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1

Dear Blog,

I am feeling pain and depression tonight. After a weeks remission, my attacks started with frequent and savage repetition 4 nights ago. It wasn’t depressing me so much till last night. Even with attacks through yesterday and last night, I had a mostly good night as my Mum, two sisters and I went to the city to watch the final performance of French & Saunders here in Australia. I’d also gotten tickets for my best friend and her husband - though by the time she’d agreed to go too, I couldn’t get her seats with the rest of us.

Anyways, it was great till we got back to where my sister Leanne and I had left our cars to meet up with our other sister who was driving us all up (except my friend and her husband who drove their own car). When we were parting, I gave my eldest sister Robyn a hug then went to hug my other sis - Leanne. As I approached her, her face fell and she said in a low voice - NO! She’s never been much of a hugger, though I am - she then said that my approaching her with my arms out for a hug frightened her and that I shouldn’t do it like that… I can’t remember the other stuff she said.

I was very hurt and walked away saying that I’ll never try to hug her again then. My eldest sister, Robyn - her face showed her shock & surprise at Leanne’s reaction to me and she tried to make light of it and calm the incident down, didn’t help me any. Leanne and Robyn are very close with each other, more than they are to my brother and I, they’re actually half-sisters to me as they’re the children of my father’s first wife who’d died of Cancer when they were just toddlers. But to me, they were like full sisters and that is how I have always loved them - they are simply my sisters to me and I love them immensely. Well, my bond with Leanne is being tested right now.

I drove my Mom home as her car was at the mechanics with Mum telling me not to worry about what Leanne had said, that she’s never been much of a hugger and had some problems etc… And then drove myself home. It was midnight when I got Mom home and would take me at best, another 30 minutes to get myself home, I was tired, medicated and rather sleepy plus still very hurt from my own sisters reaction to getting hugged by me. Like I was contagious.

Anyway, I was almost halfway home (I live in a rural town - Mum lives in suburbia in a growing region that’s virtually a city in itself. But as I drove around a dark and dangerous corner on the road home - I approached a street light lit area and there on the road in front of me is a small horse / large pony, just wandering up the street.

So, being the animal lover I am, I pull over to catch the horse. He must’ve been getting old, as he had a beautiful silver mane, though was white all over in his body’s coat. Still, he was wearing a halter for a full size horse, which he was not but he still wasn’t too pleased about being caught. It took me about 15 minutes to catch him, then lead him back to my car - where I’d illegally parked with my hazard lights flashing on this dangerous road.

It’s dangerous there because hooligans speed along there like they’re on fast and furious (the movie). My mobile phone was in my car and I had to try and think, on pain medication who do I phone in the middle of the night to help? Then I remembered, for wandering stock - phone the police. So, I called them and the lady who took my call praised me for rescuing the Horse and said she’d organised a marked police car to come & assist and organise the Animal control team to send a man out also. He was 45 minutes drive away.

I found a Dog lead in my Car and clipped this to the Horses halter and waited, while my new friend, grazed on the grass by the edge of the road near my car. I had a cigarette and after another 15 minutes, the police car arrived. With two of the cutest policemen I’ve ever seen!! They thanked me also for my help, notated my details in their little notepads and offered to take over. I said to them, if I leave now - how will I get my Dogs lead back? They thought this over and were going to offer to drop it back in to me however I lived too far out of town for that to be viable. So I said, I’ll stay and wait for the council man (animal control) to arrive - that I was happy to wait, just hold the horse while I get my car off the road.

I chatted with the policemen for around an hour while we waited, now it’s after 1 am and the horse started dozing as the taller policeman held the lead. I was enjoying myself and able to forget about the “hug” incident with my sister Leanne for a while. Around 1:30 am the Animal control van arrived - and I was shocked he had no float. Turns out, they keep a stock list which is a voluntary list that horse owners contribute details of their Horses in case one of them escapes somehow. The AC man said he wasn’t able to check this list as he had not gotten an accurate description of the Horse till he could see it. Anyways, he had with him a better fitting halter for the horse and a good long lead - but I had to laugh when he approached my new equine friend - the horse snorted, put his ears back and reversed away from him! I suggested that this Horse recognised Animal control and this may not have been his first escape!! The policemen, both thought that was hilarious! Steve, the taller policeman when he took the lead for the Horse when I had to move my car - the Horse was that comfortable with him, he went to sleep right there and then - the animal control guy goes to take his lead and it looked very much like hatred on the Horses face!! Very funny Horse this one!!

Ok, so now I have to leave, I have my lead back and I could tell that Animal control guy wanted me to go before he’d talk with the policemen. So, in the end I was driving home now after an hour and half long diversion in my evening that I felt good about because I had possibly saved that Horses life!! Tomorrow I’ll phone the Police station and request an update on whether they’ve found the Horses owner!

I meant to phone today, but I was distracted. My 6 month old LCD TV had broken down last week, and today 2 men came to pick it up for repairs, glad I did not have to drive it in myself! Then more pain in my face after they left. This morning too, I get an SMS text message on my mobile phone from my sister Leanne. Couldn’t even bother to phone me, sends a text message instead…

It says: “Morning just wanted to apologise if I hurt your feelings certainly not my intention, I get a little intimidated. See you later.” End of message.

I did not reply, and will not… My own sister says she is intimidated by me?? She is frightened of me?? This is why I cannot give her a goodbye hug?? This hurt me more than the night before had…

So now, even with the knowledge of the good deed I did saving that Horses life. My own life is in tatters. I am in pain in so many ways, the neuralgia has been bad these past 4 days. I used to have 5 out of 6 possible branches affected (being bilaterally affected), now it is a full set - all 6. Plus it’s in my ears as well. I also believe I have also got Occipital Neuralgia because of the pain that comes and goes in my neck and around the back of my skull in a tight band, that one also ends in my ear - so when I have both TN & ON at once, and they’re both attacking my ear… I’ve had enough of this.

Tonight the pain is in my upper and lower jaw, my neck, deep in my ear, a spot behind my ear that feels like bone but hurts like ****, also on my temple, the flesh of the cheek and the list goes on… I’m tired… I want this pain gone… I not long ago took 10mg of Oxycodone, and 4 hours ago had taken 5 mg of Oxycodone + a 10mg Oxycontin (slow release). I’ve taken all my anti-seizure meds and the pain stayed. I also added a Baclofen about an hour ago to with the last Oxycodone pills I took. I can’t sleep for the pain in my head, I can’t lie down because it triggers more pain. I drank some warmed up milk, it doesn’t do anything, but I don’t want to drink any stimulants like coffee, my preferred drink of choice. It’s 1:30 am again now. I’m alone and lonely, tired and in agony all over my head and face. The pain now is worst in my temple and ear and it will not stop :’(

This post is long enough for anyone, but getting to be a trademark for me. I am so Sorry to all of you. We’re all in this same boat (maybe Ark) and you are all such sources of strength and support - and that support you all provide is priceless! I feel that I’ve become weak right now and I have disappointed myself as well as others. I just feel right now that I have reached my peak with the pain. Just when I believe that I know it cannot get worse, it does. Add hurtful “hug” incident (emotional pain) to existing physical pain such as we get, and I have severely right now - neither pain will go away. Tonights TN etc attacks have been at me now for 9 hours, with no more than maybe 1 minute breaks between them, the attacks themselves repeating in durations as long as an hour.

I hope I feel better by morning. It’s now approaching 2 am. In just over 12 hours I have a pre-booked ticket to see Harry Potter and the Half blood Prince. I am going alone, as usual ~ none of my friends share my love of Fantasy or Sci-Fi, anything other than these genre’s then I would invite friends / family to go with me. I am supposed to have a Dentists appointment today, a few hours before the movie start time - but with this pain I will have to postpone that too.

Ok, I have to stop writing and staring at my computer screen. The pain in my temple combined with a sedating effect from those pills is making the screen blurry. Thanks for reading. Bye for now.

Ko xx

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Thank you ladies for your supportive messages. It has been a trying day still. I am still in pain, have been in pain all day again today. It’s driving me luny now. It’s both Trigeminal and Occipital. Add to that, it’s that time of the month and with Endometriosis - that just adds pain now to most of the rest of my body.
I’m sorry for now writing part II of my novel contained here below – I have copied what I’ve typed here into a word processor and it’s so far at 3 pages long… I shall break this into different posts so it’s not as bad as it looks – too much to read in one sitting even for me. I guess I’ve got a lot on my mind and it does help me to unburden myself, I know you understand. Oh boy, I need a boyfriend who’s happy to listen to all my crap. All of us here have more than enough of our own problems and I know this is our support group – but I feel like I take too much advantage of that at times. But I know you my friends are happy for me to unburden on all of you, doesn’t make me feel any better for doing it – but I know I feel better when I let it all out. Selfish of me though :frowning:
My Mum and elder sister Robyn who witnessed my other sister Leanne’s “episode” monday night, were both upset by what happened. My Mum remembers more of what Leanne had said to me, and quoting more of Leanne’s words to me - “You’re freaking me out!”. Leanne ranted on to me for over 5 minutes about just how I had been freaking her out – all about the “Hug” … My Mum was just as upset about it as I was, and even last night, Mum said she went to sleep in tears last night just thinking about it. So I freak Leanne out and intimidate her. Wonderful. I can’t see a solution to that.
Thank you Sarah - I did enjoy the movie, it was very good. I did not get the enjoyment factor I wanted to out of it though, as more things have happened since my last post to you all last night. It is a hard thing to do – helping others when you yourself are feeling pretty bad. After 3 very painful days, with little rest, no relaxation, no reprieve and what feels like too much medication as the brain doesn’t work too well with our meds as you know – I found it hard to deal with my Sister’s attitude, so walking away was all I could do. I did not end up with time to check on whether the Horse had been reunited with his family – so I’ve made a priority note for myself to call during business hours today to the Police station and or Animal control. I also wished afterwards, that I had gotten that cute Policemans phone number :D.
Thank you Maeve, yes I am what my Mum calls “touchy-feely” which in our family means I like to hug. My Dad used to call me “pat pat” because I’d pat his back when we hugged :slight_smile: My brother Robert, like Leanne - does not like to be hugged, but he will hug me - rigidly, but he will also offer a hug when he feels it’s appropriate - so there is a distinct difference between Robert hating hugs and Leanne despising hugs, well she hugs others, but is now freaked out and intimidated by my hugs. So, I figure she’s lost the plot. It’s like comparing 2 people who don’t like having their photo taken. One hides from the camera, the other one will snatch the camera from you and smash it to pieces.
Ro, I thank you too!! I believe in Karma and all life to me is very precious and care of all life, human and other wise is something I can never ignore. As here, my four-legged and feathered friends here at home, get better food and care than I give myself. I’m the sucker too take in all the little creatures, rescuing injured wildlife and I give my help to charities as a volunteer when I am able. I’ve been given much through my life, in care from family friends and strangers and I find it the right thing to do, is to give what I can of myself, back to the community. Many over the years would take advantage of my trusting and caring nature and use it to walk all over me. I’m not competitive, non-confrontational as I enjoy being a team member and making my contribution. But others will take my ideas behind my back and claim them as their own leaving me as appearing inadequate, a non contributor and unable to perform my job satisfactorily. This attitude of mine doesn’t work in the business work places that I enjoyed as I do not have the “ruthlessness” required…

~ End of Part one ~

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When Leanne freaked out at me about my wanting to give her a hug - I tried to make it like a joke and I walked away at the time, which Mum told me tonight that she was very proud of me for doing that. She was also proud of me for not responding to the text message that Leanne sent too. I said, I couldn’t reply to the message as I could think of nothing nice or positive to say - and as the saying goes, 'if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.'
I cannot see any mended fences on that one. Time will heal the hurt I’ve received but I will never forget what’s happened. I’m afraid this is something she’ll need to fix on her own. There is nothing I can do to help her out of this. Regardless, she’s still my sister and neither of us can change that. I just need to recover from my hurt and move on. This is who she is, it is just surprising that as Mum said tonight, it is just surprising that it’s taken all my 36 years for Leanne to tell me this. That is fine. We are truthfully half sisters, and even though I always introduced her as my sister - I remember how she always introduced me as her step-sister. Surprising, my other sister Robyn (also my half sister) was never like that. She does occasionally say things behind your back, is a dominant personality (just like Dad) and also has his temper at times, she’s more like Dad than even she realised till just a short while ago. But the key difference is whereas Leanne is indifferent or rejecting of spending time with anyone in the family besides her “blood” sister, Robyn literally cares about all of us. She worries about us like a parent, she has two of her own children, but her worry and concern for us is very real and she is very much a person I can count on when it’s needed.
Now she’s worried her health will be like Dad’s. Dad had high blood pressure, so does she. Dad had Asthma, so does she. Dad had sinusitis, so does she, Dad snored like a steam train, so does she (her husbands even banished to the guest room on many nights), Dad had Obstructive Sleep Apnea, so Robyn has Apnea, but she’s not done the sleep study yet. So we don’t know what type yet. But Dad’s health was made worse by being a heavy Beer drinker since his teens, caused him to also get Gout, he became Obese, developed Diabetes, Diabetic Peripheral Neuropathy and Angina. Robyn may drink 1 glass of wine per day. Dad’s health is what eventually shut down all his vital organs, so after her Asthma scare this past week, I think she’s getting worried.

~ End of Part two ~

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When I phoned my Mum this morning for a chat - she told me my older sister, Robyn (the nice one) was admitted to hospital out at our nearby country hospital for having had a severe asthma attack just last night… While I was rambling on about my problems to all of you, Robyn was lying in a hospital bed… Robyn was diagnosed with Asthma when she was 40 and is 52 now, but between her initial diagnosis until around a week ago - she had no further signs or symptoms of the illness. She’d been coughing a lot on Monday and has had a lot of sinus problems too. She was as surprised as us, that the Doctor admitted her to hospital last night, so I called in to see her when visiting hours opened this morning. They don’t let visitors in till 11 am, then visitors have to leave by 1pm. They reopen for visitors at 3pm then till 8pm.
She was improved today, but you could hear how bad she was in her voice, or lack of voice. But I’ve learnt tonight from my Brother-in-law Terry, that she is even more improved tonight.
On my way to visit her this morning, the electric window on the door of my car, broke and the glass window pane dropped through into the door well. So I had to park my car with a fully open window. Then I had to go shopping with an open car window. That wasn’t so bad as it’s a country town and less is likely to happen there - but the movie I was going to was back in the city as there isn’t a cinema out here. By the time I returned home from seeing Robyn and doing my shopping, I had 30 minutes before I had to leave to catch my movie that I’d pre-paid for the movie ticket. It was a gold class ticket too, so had cost me AU$25.50.
Robyn may have to stay in hospital over the weekend the Doctors have advised, but I see her discharging herself before then. Ironically, she had a Doctors appointment booked for today to check about the Asthma, coughing and sinusitis from this past week. But ended up in hospital prior to her appointment.
I want to go see her again tomorrow - as even when I was admitted for overnight obs, she came to see me. But firstly, I need to get that window fixed in my car. It’s my drivers window and was the last working window. None of the other 3 electric windows work in my car - so right now, none of them work at all :smiley: I never got any of the others fixed because of the cost - and there aren’t any “after market” parts for this vehicle model, only available parts are from the manufacturer direct. You cannot buy the single broken piece, only the entire window motors. Front window motors cost AU$190 and rear windows AU$475. So, that is AU$1,330.00 for parts alone, then I’d have to include labor charges for the mechanic doing the work. I don’t have even that much money. And on a disability pension, I’m not likely to get that money any time soon.

~ End of Part three ~

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My brother thinks that a home based auto electrician they know may be able to help, so Rob will phone him tomorrow and ask. I told Mum if this person can help me out - then to ring and wake me tomorrow as if I can help it, I’ve no intention of getting up early.
So, it being winter and all, I need the window fixed asap. Driving around at this time of year, with such chilly winds and a fully open window, especially at night, did not help the TN – AT ALL!! But, how sweet is my Mum and Brother, Robert! They both offered to loan me their car so I could drive home without having to have the cold air on my face! My brother just bought this new (well second hand) car Monday week ago. So, he’s only had it 10 days. It’s a sports V8. Very special edition vehicle and immaculately looked after and maintained for almost 5 years old, it was only ever driven as a weekend car because of its limited edition status. It’s called a “SS Holden Commodore – VY model” (the letters replace the year, I think VY means it’s a 2004 edition). It’s a black V8 petrol sedan with a 357 Chevy motor with full red leather sports interior fully digitised, spoilers etc with 20” rims. Considering it’s age, it’s only driven enough kilometres that a regularly used car would drive in less than 12 months. It cost him AU$22,000.
I would have loved to take him up on his offer as I’ve wanted to take it for a drive since he bought it. I love the sound of the V8 engines! But I was exhausted, running on very little sleep, in pain and medicated. I’ve never driven it before and home for me was 45 minutes away on country roads at night. My brother would still have had his work van to get around in, but I couldn’t risk my damaging his new car, insurance or not. I refused to take Mum’s car either as it’s her only car and that would leave her without any transport. My car is messy inside and I’d like to clean and detail it before I send it anywhere for repairs. So I drove home, with freezing winds, with my woolly hat and hooded jacket on, turned the heat to maximum to blow around me as I drove home. My meds are helping me now, so I’m feeling good and sleepy as I’ve been awake today since 6 am and it’s after 1 am now. Time to get some sleep. I’m dozing off in this chair now. Every few minutes, my heads nodding off so I will finish this here and post this long letter again – but broken into multiple posts. I’m that tired this past 2 weeks, I’m having waking hallucinations and have been entering dream states prior to falling asleep. These are so realistic it is very scary at timds, but makes me have a very broken sleep.
Cheers to you my friends, again I thank you for your support and encouragement – as always this gift of yours to me I forever consider priceless!! Wishing you all a healthy future and pain free days.

Best wishes to all!

Ko (Kerry) xx

~ End of Part four ~ ~ Finite ~

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Hey my friends,

Yesterday for me, by this time I’d had the first of two Toradol injections - the second one I got just on 8 hours later because the pain had returned through the day, but the injections cannot be less than 8 hours apart.

So, after the 2nd injection I was feeling good. And being stupid like I am thought to myself “Wow, seeing how I’m feeling good, I’ll take my Dog to Agility training!”

Training is outdoors at nighttime. It is also mid-winter here now. My face started to hurt a little after a short while, but I thought no worries, it’s not bad so I’ll keep going. So, training lasted for about an hour and I left for home. Home is next door conveniently. After I got home I got a few twinges, ok can handle that. Two minutes later I started getting the electric zaps like never before. Temple, forehead, eye, ear, cheek bone, cheek flesh, lip, nose, upper & lower jaw + my neck around the glands again. ZAP, ZAP, ZAP over and over again. My brother phones me and I can’t talk properly, talking makes more zaps and I’m near to tears. I didn’t want to worry him further so said “I need to cook dinner and I’ll call you tomorrow.” My brother is sweet and was sure I was in pain and that I was. Can’t fool him. He started getting stressed then as he wanted to drive out and get me to a doctor but he’d been drinking and couldn’t drive. I said don’t worry, it’ll go away. He hates it that he cannot help me, same as my Mum. They both want to help when the pain comes and they can’t. My brother doesn’t understand whey the doctors can’t fix it, why they can’t take the TN away. I love him for his worry, but then it makes me feel bad that my pain causes him such stress.

Anyways, after about 30 minutes the zapping stopped and I dozed off in relief. BUT, when I woke up, I was then suffering Occipital Nerve pain, the entire back of my neck both sides, back of my skull, around each side of my head, inside my ears & forehead again with this pain. The Occipital pain feels very different.

The Oxycodone doesn’t touch it, but makes me sleepy. I got out my hot water bottle and had to keep refilling that as each time the water in it cooled, the pain returned to maximum destructive capability. For 3 consecutive nights I’ve not slept for pain. I don’t know if I should of done what I did about 30 minutes ago to try and relieve the pain or not, cause I feel a bit “odd” now.

Half an hour ago, I took Baclofen 10mg, Oxycodone 5mg, Gabapentin 300mg & Xanax 1mg. It was the only combo I could think of to take to try and relieve this horrendous pain circumnavigating my skull and feels like it’s boring into my brain. I think now some of those meds are contraindicated and maybe should not have been taken together, but don’t know if it should be a problem as all doses are the lowest available excepting Gabapentin at 300mg. But they are all CNS depressents…

What do you think? It’s over half an hour now and I still have pain. I cannot touch my face at all either, especially around my upper cheek due to remaining touch triggers there, so I can’t rub my face or massage my head to try and bring any relief. What should I do? Should I get to the Doctor?? Mentally, this mix is making me feel like I’m simultaneously a giant and a midget so think I’m having some kind of minimalistic high… Ok, now I’m just an idiot! Please tell me if I’ve done the wrong thing here??

Cheers ~ Ko

7

Thanks Ro, got an appointment in 45 minutes thankfully. It’s at the old medical centre I used to go to, but since my GP I was seeing there took off in January for emergency family leave - I hadn’t really been back there. But they were the only place yesterday I could go aside from the hospital to get my Toradol injection. As I hate the hospital, it was convenient.

First up, I phoned the GP at a neighbouring centre I have been going to, but because it’s Saturday they were only open for a couple of hours. So, call the old med centre and they could fit me in for enough time to get the injection. I’m going to ask this man if he can teach me to do it myself. That’d be the best outcome for me really.

Anyways, he probably won’t as then they miss out on charging me for an appointment if I can do it myself.

There is some irony on both of us discussing migraine meds, I will ask about that if he gives me time to do so - if not, I’ll ask at the pharmacy.

I’d better get a move on and get dressed now, I’ll catch up with you later on.

Cheers ~ Ko xx