Just diagnosed. Wiki sucks

Normally I love a good read. Even a great medical mystery. When it comes to my doctor asking me if I prefer to read a great deal, I said I was more a visual girl, being an artist; so she brought up Wiki, and the page on TN.

As she is going over the highly detailed picture of what is going on in my head that we finally have nailed down after 6 months of agonizing tests, therapy and drug testing, I couldn't help but keep focusing on the two words that are the knickname for the disease; "suicide disease". That was definitely where I was almost a month ago, so that makes sense; the previous diagnosis of ON had at least hopes of the nerve block and botox injections.

Knowing this has nothing just keeps ringing in my ears. Starting me on ANOTHER drug with all the others for the other ailments I have when doing so much to clean this body just seems comical; the place I've eneded up in my life and still worrying about using too many pronouns in my writing at least can give me a giggle, which is a good thing I suppose.

The legacy I hve left in my children, the people helped, friends made all seem to be at an end point; a finality. Not that I plan to do anything about it, just that it feels okay if something is done. I am no weakling when it comes to pain, that is obvious. Financially in a place being between a rock and a hard place to even create a comfortable place for my body to rest is just silly, and SSDI saying I am able to work and taking away my disability is even sillier.

Being surrounded by all the unfinished art projects is torture; they should be sold or given away, yet they are so precious, knowing what they were going to be, what they are supposed to be... I don't know. This certainly isn't the time of decision making.

The fact that I have gotten any sleep at all in the last 2 nights is such a miracle is a place to start, and that is probably a place to start. Wanda and I always said not to make any big decisions when the temperatiure was over 85 or near a holiday; the temperature has never been hotter.

Short goals, get through Lisa's wedding next week, and hope the migraines hold back enough I can make at least 2 of the 4 events going on. She understands finally that things are not just about a neck pain or a headache. I miss the good old days of migraines alone.

I'm tired of the medicine rebound headache lecture; so what. Bring it on. Let me have the drugs I need to get rid of at least half the pain...