I have a will to live, just as my body is ready to call it quits

I woke up this morning, and began to plan my way out. I decided I would leave my husband, take my children to my mom’s house, tell her I needed to run errands, then go to a state park near her, which has dangerously high cliffs. I would leave this pain behind… But this morning, I was watching my 9 month old attacking my 7 yr old with a stuffed bear, both of them giggling, and I realized this disease WILL NOT win. I have overcome too much in this world, and I’m not done fighting… So, I put a new plan into action. I am going to give the upper cervical chiropractor one more try. I also called my mother, whp recently has begun to understand a little of how I feel, and I told her everything I was thinking. I did it because, now she.probably won’t leave me alone for fear I may harm myself. The funny thing is, and noone knows this, is I tell everyone I don’t want to bother them. I dont want to trouble people. But it’s a lie- I actually DO want to bother people. I WANT people to know my pain, and try to understand, and offer help. I always felt unworthy, but today I have realized that I must be worthy. I want people to care. Because I know I can’t do it alone anymore. Not for my sake, but for the sake of my children, I will not quit. I will do anything to live again. I will do it because I have to, but mostly because I want to. And I know, I finally know, that it’s not selfish to want happiness again. Maybe some day I’ll find peace. Maybe some day, I’ll be truly content with myself.

Thank u for replanning.this one definately sounds better,although I understand the thought and feeling behind plan A.I’m thanking u,for ur kids who don’t know that u had planned 2leave them.whow…thank u.for letting us be here for u once again.

Danielle, thank goodness your children intervened without even realizing it. Glad you called your mom too.
Did you ever see a therapist or start on anti depressants? Please consider both options, I completely understand how this pain wears us down, sometimes we need all the help we can get to better cope and get through our lives with chronic pain.
You’ve got your kids to think about. They need you as much as you need them. I hope you are able to find relief soon, whether by chiro or a change/increase in meds.
Sending positive thoughts your way. Remember you are NOT alone, (( hugs ))
Mimi xx

Don't give up! Sending you healing thoughts.