I am depressed as hell, crying spells for no reason(at that particular moment). My son is depressed, although he doesn,t admit it. I know it’s because he feels like it would be too much for me to worry about. And that scares me to death. I have to get better. I see my doctor in3 days, and I don’t remember the last time I was looking forward to an appointment like I am this one. Although, I am a little worried that I might overwhelm her with everything that I might want to talk about that particular day. My # 1 priority for the visit is to discuss better pain control. I sincerely believe that the level of pain I am in at all times has contributed greatly to this latest bout with depression. The next highest contributing factor would most undoubtedly have to be dear ole hubby. That man is driving me crazy. He is so jealous of the relationship I am trying to have with my son, that he makes life pretty much unbearable for a good portion of the time. When he’s not fuming in anger, he is asleep or gone. I pray for those nice peaceful breaks. But inevitably, as was predicted, this marriage is either going to continue with me doing everything and getting nothing, or me taking a stand, and things get down right dangerous. Or I have to leave. my husband has made it abundantly clear, that I cannot expect that he is going to contribute anything positive to our relationship and that as long as I act like a mother to my son, he is not going to be happy and if he ain’t happy, ain’t nobody going even think of being happy. my 17 year old son has had it pretty rough. And all I want to do is to be able to try to reverse the negative affects his father had on him for so long. I am countering his fathers hate with my love, and I refuse to apologize for that to anyone. I am all my boy has. I have to do better. I have to get better so I have the strength to make some tough choices concerning the future survival of me and mine. I wish I didn’t have to do this alone, but, i’d rather do it by myself than with someone who won’t even try to understand why a mother has to do whatever is needed to make sure her child is healthy. In every way possible. Knowing your father hates you, and living with the horrible memories that he has from his time with the devil(his father), and now the time with junior devil(current husband), well needless to say I feel quite responsible for that look on my son’s face.(DEPRESSION)
as far as my pain. it is almost completely uncontrolled. about 5 days ago i started a pain journal, and i have really been sticking with it. i plan to take it with me to my dr. i have never done anything like this before, but i know it has to help. when i get in to see my doc, i cannot remember the details of what everyday has been like, so i basically come across as " my face hurts a lot" but now, i do believe that this is the only way to go, now my doc can see for herself what each day is like. again, i am hoping not to overwhelm her. well i guess i can stop for now, as this looks like it is going to be pretty long. sorry guys, but as i said “venting” thanks for listening.
thank you ro. my son is in counseling, and i was, obviously need to be again. we are both currently on antidepressants. i have been for about 15 years. i have a long history of depression. with multiple hospitalizations. i know me well enough to know when i need “hospitilization” i need it now, but i can’t. i have to be here for my son. as far as my husband, well that is a nightmare. i think there is no hope for him to understand anything that does not directly involve him. i know what i need to do, i just don’t have the strength or discipline to do it. i hope to find it soon. thanks again. i will encourage him to read the article" caring for someone" but i already know that he won’t be interested. but thanks anyway. sometimes just talking to someone who understands is good medicine.
Ro ~ said:
Hi Cindy,
First let me say that i think it’s great you made a list of priority.
When you speak to your doctor, pls add that to your list - depression. many meds have that side effect. The doc may have suggestions regarding the family too. Most recommend a psychologist of some sort to help through these times. Doctors are there for a reason and that’s to help.
I know this idea may not help, but is it possible to sit with your husband and talk it through? and sit with your son and talk to him too? Maybe all 3 of u together?
My son also isn’t dealing well with all this. I’m divorced too. generally speaking if i’m around him i can hold my tongue. the last time, i just couldn’t. i went to sit and because a football game was on, he (the x) started yelling to get out of the way and so on. I told him where to go and walked away. not nice but my son came to me and apologized. it gave us a lil time to talk. He understands this is very difficult and he’s going to need to accept that it is what it is. life.
Generally i don’t tell my kids if something hurts. they see it.
no apology needed for the venting. we all need it. I do hope your husband will take the time to understand that children, especially boys, want to protect and care for family just like the ‘man of the house’.
here is a Link that all refer to. http://www.livingwithtn.org/forum/topics/a-writeup-about-caring-for
do take good care of u. the best you can do is do your best ~
Ro~
thank you ro, and it is definitely ok to pray for me, i need all the help i can get!!
Ro ~ said:
I do wish you the best cindy. It’s so difficult. The only thing i can say other than what i have said,… when i had a brain tumor, i thought through things so much then it hit me that if i didn’t think of myself a bit more, and work on getting my health together and get better, … there wasn’t going to be a “me”. I wouldn’t be myself and that road is a long hard path.
Hang in there,. if it’s ok, my prayers are with you
cindy mitchell said:thank you ro. my son is in counseling, and i was, obviously need to be again. we are both currently on antidepressants. i have been for about 15 years. i have a long history of depression. with multiple hospitalizations. i know me well enough to know when i need “hospitilization” i need it now, but i can’t. i have to be here for my son. as far as my husband, well that is a nightmare. i think there is no hope for him to understand anything that does not directly involve him. i know what i need to do, i just don’t have the strength or discipline to do it. i hope to find it soon. thanks again. i will encourage him to read the article" caring for someone" but i already know that he won’t be interested. but thanks anyway. sometimes just talking to someone who understands is good medicine.
Cindy,
I’m so sorry for the pain you are going thru…the physical pain and also the emotional pain. I can relate to both. Please hang in there and take care of you. Its great that your son has such a wonderful mom, one who cares deeply for him…therefore all the more reason for you to take care of you. I can relate to how you feel about your son and him not being accepted, I too have been there. I am very thankful that things have gotten better for me in that area, after many years of battling. A mothers love is very powerful…and unfortunately it can be very stressful, which is something we don’t need in our lives. I’m glad to hear that you are journaling…and venting…its only going to help by getting your frustrations out. Please feel free to vent when needed. I pray the doctor visit will go well…and I pray you will get relief very soon so that you can have the happy life that you deserve. In my prayers, Debbie (Hang in there!)
thanks so much. just from the replies i have gotten from all you guys, i don’t know, it really does help to know someone somewhere has made it through what i sometimes wonder if i can. i am not ready to give up yet. so thanks everyone, and say a prayer, or a blessing, in any way that suits you, for me. it has to help!!!
Debbie said:
Cindy,
I’m so sorry for the pain you are going thru…the physical pain and also the emotional pain. I can relate to both. Please hang in there and take care of you. Its great that your son has such a wonderful mom, one who cares deeply for him…therefore all the more reason for you to take care of you. I can relate to how you feel about your son and him not being accepted, I too have been there. I am very thankful that things have gotten better for me in that area, after many years of battling. A mothers love is very powerful…and unfortunately it can be very stressful, which is something we don’t need in our lives. I’m glad to hear that you are journaling…and venting…its only going to help by getting your frustrations out. Please feel free to vent when needed. I pray the doctor visit will go well…and I pray you will get relief very soon so that you can have the happy life that you deserve. In my prayers, Debbie (Hang in there!)
Dont feel sorry for venting thts all i do i would never had made it without finding this site everyone here is so extremly nice i have more help venting here or to the people in my life that just dont really understand that how it could kill u in pain is there when u cant see it i also worry about my sons im not there for them since the pain has been so bad and its just not the same trying to leave it to a dad expecially one that you have described its horrible enough without such a bad situation like that hang in there get better then find a happy place for u and your son
Hi Cindy! I have sent you a Friend Invite!!