Can't Shake This

I keep consuming myself more and more with this depression I'm slipping into. I almost feel like a freak in a freak show because of how difficult it is for me to do simple tasks. Doing the dishes took me over 20 minutes because I had to sit and take two 5 minute breaks. My anxiety right now is through the roof and I just feel stranded.. Isolated almost. Due to circumstance, I'm stuck under my mother's roof, jobless, and relying on student loans that go straight to her for rent. She doesn't understand the pain I'm going through and when I wake her up at 4 in the morning telling her "hey, I can't take this anymore," she shrugs it off.

My girlfriend on the other hand, she'd take me to the hospital with no problem.. except recently. I think she's getting tired of sitting there uncomfortably for hours on end. I don't blame here. I'm pretty sure the hospital is sick of seeing me there all the time too. i'm afraid of them telling me they won't see me anymore and I'm afraid of not having a ride there when I need it.

Right now I'm passing a kidney stone and having the TN pain. I'm trying to keep cool for as long as I can until my girlfriend gets home, but even then.. I still won't have help.

I just feel extremely lost right now.

Hi,

So sad to hear your troubles and that you have two sets of pains the kidney stones and TN. I don't want to sugar coat the truth I know things may get worse before they get better but when it gets hard know there is always hope, you managed to find this site with so many wonderful people who want to help. Maybe you should ask a friend to alternate days with your girlfriend so that she can have a rest sometimes. Its true it probably is annoying sometimes but she clearly loves you to stand by you up till now and also take you to hospital even though there isn't much they can do. Remember you are cared for and supported by everyone on the site. I really hope that your time of improvement comes soon.

((hugs))

Chelz

x

You are going through a bad depression episode. It's common but I'm not trying to minimize the pain by saying that. Depression has it's own awful pain and you need to know a few things.

1. It runs in cycles, which means it will get better. It doesn't feel like it ever will and you feel like there is no hope but the intellectual side needs to know this because the feeling side won't believe it.

2. Just like physical pain, it will put your life on hold.

3. Those who have never been through it won't believe you.

4. Every thing that is not absolutely necessary will fall to the wayside.

Even though you are having a really bad time and you can hardly function you need to make plans. Put aside enough money to call a cab sometimes so it doesn't always have to fall on your girlfriend, or when she's not there. Perhaps another family member would take you to the ER when needed? People usually won't mind once or twice.

Believe me when I say we have all been where you are. Except perhaps our mothers care more. We have all gotten that "oh it's you (just another addict looking to get high)" looks and attitudes. Personally, I feel lost a good deal of the time.